You Can Make the Pathway Bright

Recently I have begun to participate in a college program offered through BYU-Idaho. It is called Pathway, which is a great description. It gives me and others like me the chance to ease back into the world of education after many years away.

One thing that has really been shouting in my head these past couple of weeks has been how I feel about other people. Because of the kind of work I do, sitting in a courtroom and writing down all kinds of things, some of which I wish I didn't have to hear, I am constantly being faced with the choice to judge the people I see or to see them as struggling just as I, but in different ways. In fact, someone in the weekly class we attend asked me the other night how I can separate myself from the bad things I hear and not be overcome with despair.

I'd like to answer that question. First, while I often say this as if it is a joke, it's really true:  Sitting in that courtroom and seeing the things that others are doing or experiencing sure makes my family problems look so simple. I normally come home and just hug random family members because, despite our struggles, things could be so much more difficult.

Second, sometime ago I recognized that I needed to make it a life goal to view others as the children of the same Heavenly Father I worship and love. That is often my prayer, that I can see others through His lens. I mean, face it, that's hard to do when people do awful things and cause pain. As I have begun to study the first chapters of the Book of Mormon, which includes classic tales of families with all sorts of different personalities, I can see why it was intended for our use at this time. It makes me want to be a better person. I mean, talk about your "far worse problems than OUR family has"!

Finally, I want to say that I know the principles I am learning are from God. I know He wants me to refine myself and behave as His daughter should behave. Each step I take helps me see Him more clearly in the world around me. We live in such a troubled world these days, and being able to recognize God in the midst of all the suffering, knowing how He loves all of us and wants all of us to find joy makes me feel a greater desire to have compassion and empathy for others.

To conclude today's entry, I'd like to add that I love my family so much. Yes, I mean my husband, who has brought joy to my life these past 19 years. I also mean our two kids, who, despite their personal challenges, are great people with awesome potential. They make my heart glad. I love their individual personalities. They both teach me every day. That's right, I said they BOTH teach ME every day.

I love my older son, who just became engaged to a girl who makes him a better person. Seeing your child you thought would never know real happiness in life grow so much and find such a wonderful partner is one of the best things a parent can experience.

I have two daughters who are happily married and living lives far different from one another. I am happy to see their successes and sad to see their sorrows. I am grateful to have the opportunity to see the choices they are making in their lives. Being allowed in is a blessing most people do not even recognize because, for them, it just "is."

I love my other kids too, those who don't currently have a relationship with me, and I can respect that, thought it grieves my heart every day. I listen for news and pray for them every single day. They were dealt a tough hand in their early lives, and it makes me glad to see them overcome.

I am so grateful to be a daughter of Heavenly Father. I know He knows who I am. I know He knows the things of which I am capable, even as I struggle to recognize them in myself.

Isn't that the purpose of our being here?

For the Love of a Potato

My grandma is almost 92 years old.  Mind you, her birthday is still five months away.  Mine is two months away, and I am holding firmly to 51 and will not be “almost 52” until the day before my birthday.  But when you reach the upper ages, you can take charge, once again, of your age and be proud of who you are WHEN you are.  At least that’s my theory.

I am the oldest person in my generation of both my father’s side and my mother’s side.  I am the oldest child, each of them is/was the oldest child.  Even though I was three when my brother was born, I can actually remember being the only one.  Honestly, though, I have always felt like the proverbial square peg.  I still do, in fact.  I shake my head so often anymore, it seems my neck is just going to split in two one of these days.

I’ll never forget the day I found out that being the square peg didn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.  I have grown up with seemingly preconceived notions that I had developed through listening (my grandma used to say, “Little pictures have big ears,” which I heard as “pitchers,” and I wondered how pitchers could have ears).  When visiting with some extended family and learning more about my life and family as it existed when I was really small, those notions seemed to shatter, and a clearer picture emerged.

I cherished through my late childhood being able to see and often visit with extended family members.  Then when I was 13 ½, that changed abruptly because of a misunderstanding that was clearly blown out of proportion and lasted for four years.  I didn’t say anything then, but even though I supported and believed what I was hearing at home, something didn’t click just right, and it always bothered me.  I still regret those missed years.

Now that I’m 51 (okay, ALMOST 52), I can see the isolation that created.  Thanks to social media, I have developed a cordial relationship with my people, and that has been salve to the wounds of hate and intolerance I’ve personally experienced from my People.  And I’ve recognized that the reason those early days of misunderstanding didn’t click right is because they WEREN’T right.  

Part Deux

Life has been hard for the past few years, both emotionally and financially.  Physically too, I should add.  Now that we’ve moved and I’ve taken on a full-time job, the emotional and physical issues have greatly improved.  Thank you, Modern Science!  Financially, while I am making a much lower salary than the income I made from time to time when we lived in Virginia, the steadiness of the paycheck and always knowing when I’ll get paid is very nice.

We really loved our last landlord in Virginia, especially after how hard it was to deal with Marine Lawyer, our previous landlord.  Our financial struggles began while living in Marine Lawyer’s house, though he saw that as a character flaw.  Nice Guy landlord was kind and generous and very concerned about making sure our home was safe and cared for.  Sadly, the economy just hit him hard, and he lost his rental homes in an effort to save the roof over his and his wife’s heads.  Being a man of integrity, though, he contacted us immediately to let us know his plight and that we were no longer to pay him rent.  We were able to live in the home several months rent free, which helped so much as my work had tanked around the same time, and we wouldn’t have been able to feed our family on what I was making if we hadn’t had the break from paying rent.  Sadly, of course, we were not able to save any money as a result.

We moved to Idaho to a home that just seemed to fall into our laps.  We have been here six months, and despite a few quirks about the place, we love it.  It’s so much nicer than our previous home, at several hundred dollars less per month.  And it’s just a nice place.  We’ve paid our rent each month on time.  We have had no issues with breaking or harming any part of the house (no easy feat when you have six people, two cats, and a huge dog living here!)

And then we find out that our landlady, despite repeated questioning and assurance that she was financially sound and on time with her payments, is facing foreclosure because she has not, in fact, paid ANY house payments since before we moved in.  And now she’s belatedly decided to sell and is breathing down our necks to “cooperate” with a Realtor so we can be booted out if/when it actually sells.  Like we did a single thing to bring about this turn of events.  ::sigh::

We had to hire an attorney, who said, “No $&*@! She said that?” We will either have till the end of September to move, during which time we will pay no rent, or we will be able to continue paying rent and live in the home till our lease ends, the end of January.

I hate moving.  No, really, I HATE moving.

We have looked at a few homes, some of which were very promising, and we just haven’t felt right about it yet.  I’m not sure if it’s just not time to move or we just haven’t found the right place, or what, but we’re not rushing to go anywhere just yet.

Our married daughter and her husband moved in with us about two months ago, so we not only want to live in a four-bedroom home, at this point we HAVE to.  And that’s fine.  Seriously, when they are ready to move out on their own, we’d like to have an extra bedroom so that in case anybody wants to visit, they can.

 

As much success as our son in Virginia is currently experiencing, he’s really feeling isolated out there all by himself.  We actually live closer to him now than the rest of the family (except for my in-laws, who are serving a mission in Georgia but will be back in Utah by Christmas).  Hopefully he’ll be able to get out here closer before too long.  I find that I really want to encourage as much quality familial relationship as possible. 

I’m babbling, I know.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I’m trying to hold onto my belief that we have experiences to help us grow and that it is important to be grateful for the challenges and what they bring.  It is not always easy to be grateful, but it is easier to deal with the trials, when we focus.

So that's how it goes in our corner.  How 'bout yours?

Eternal Life - Life in God's Way and in God's Time

I just read my last blog entry and find it hard to believe how much can change in a relatively short period of time. Since then, not only did Aaron return to school, but he successfully graduated and is currently looking for work. He’s at home again, but things are peaceful, at least for now. We were able to keep our car hanging on until we had the money to replace it. Seriously, literally the day the car died, we were in the process of buying another one, so that drama is part of our past. And money, well, guess what? Our landlord declared bankruptcy, and we haven’t paid rent since January, which has made a huge difference. My work has also picked up, so we are feeling very blessed. Coincidence? I think not :D

Now I’m in Washington for my daughter’s wedding/sealing on Friday. Very expensive but very worthwhile venture. Oh, so many feelings. We have been anxiously preparing for this week so that we could participate. And here we are. Well, here *I* are…I mean am. Darryl will be here in a few days. He’s snatching the opportunity to spend time with his family in Utah before coming here to be swept up in the drama of my family. I’m so glad he’s getting the chance to do this. I know that his heart is with his parents, his kids, and grandbabies, and it is a balm to the soul to see them. Or so I hear. I haven’t had that balm yet, but one day I will. I mean, I am sure that I would be welcomed around Darryl’s grandbabies, but I haven’t yet had the chance to do so because I was sick for a few hours the only time any of them were around, so I hid in a bedroom to keep from sharing. And my grandbabies, well….

As 2011 drew to a close, my heart, ever drawing closer to my Heavenly Father, yearned to return to His temple to partake of the Spirit there. It seems ludicrous now to realize that while I was the most distraught, I didn’t seek that place and that amazing Spirit, but that’s how it worked out. And just as any precious prize, I feared that it would somehow be withheld. But that’s not how it happened. The compassion and love of my priesthood leaders were waiting for me to be ready, and ready I was. And am.

Friday was a bit of a nightmare, as I had expected, although I am pleased to say that I suffered it all with good grace. 19+ years as a court reporter has taught me that helpful skill. Most of the day was spent in a flying tin can, filled to capacity, hungry and tired. But when I landed in Pasco, Washington, I was soon reunited with my daughter who is getting married this coming Friday.

She’s not the same person I knew. I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half, and our parting was heart rending. Now she’s a young lady who has found love, who feels supported and loved by that love. Much has happened to each of us in the intervening months, and her sneaking up behind me in the airport and putting her arms around me soothed my heart more than she probably knows. I have finally come to understand…or maybe I’m still learning it and haven’t completely fathomed it…what it really means to be an Eternal Family.

I have a friend who has a large family of children, each of whom has followed the hoped-for path of going on to church-owned universities, missions, and temple marriage. I know more about her life to realize that, of course, her life is not perfect and contains many sad and/or fearful moments, but how I have envied her the path her children have chosen. Some of mine have chosen more scenic routes. Some have chosen the path I’d hoped but chose not to take me along. Some are still wandering.

But yesterday I truly glimpsed it, that Eternal Family thingy. I watched a daughter receive her own endowments, with my mother sitting on her other side, three generations of one family united for those few hours in a holy sacrament. I am sure that both my dad and my daughter’s dad were seated nearby watching and rejoicing in that experience with us.

When we initially entered the temple yesterday, I walked about five feet in, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the Spirit, stronger than I have felt in a long time. I fully expected to see it, as well. And I realize that that’s what it’s supposed to be…and one day WILL be like. Holy and sacred bonds are formed within those walls, and Heavenly Father is most certainly not an absentee Father.

As I told my bishop the other day, as he interviewed me before I received my temple recommend, I don’t know that my entire family will ever be united again in THIS life, but I have faith that it will be at least in the next. I’m trying to teach those who will listen how important it is to love and forgive and forgive and forgive and love, especially those who hurt us or abuse us or annoy us. It is important to see these people with an Eternal perspective, to see them as the Heavenly beings they once were and one day will be again. Yes, even those for whom that picture is most obscured.

Every day I try to get better at something, be a little more patient, a little more kind, a little more empathetic, and I am beginning to feel a swelling in my soul that seems to make those efforts even easier and more desirable.

I know these things are true. I feel as though I have been given a very special gift to see things very clearly, and I am going to keep my eyes…and heart…open so I don’t miss a thing!