I love looking at this picture. It’s just a photo I took of
our bedroom in our current home. Whenever the bed is
made, this sight makes my heart feel peace. And that made me think. Why?
In my nearly 55 years on this earth, I have discovered that
there is very little over which I have control in my own life. At my ripe “old”
age, I want to go back in time and visit the scared, confused little girl I was
back in the day and assure my child self that I am enough, that I should face
life fearlessly. But that is a whole ‘nother post.
When I get up in the morning, I have a set list of things I
want to accomplish before “starting” my day. Besides the showering and dressing
and hair/makeup preparing, I want my bed to be made. I want everything picked
up and put away in our bathroom and bedroom. I want the closet door to be
closed with everything inside it in its place – which I admit is a challenge,
but still. I want the litter box to be scooped and the floor in the laundry
room/dining room/kitchen swept. I want the flowers on the porch to be watered.
I want the cats and dogs to have food and water in their dishes. If the
dishwasher is full, I want it to be emptied. I hate, absolutely hate having
dishes on the counter and abhor only marginally less when dishes are in the
sink, even when they are rinsed.
Are you exhausted? That’s just the start of my day, and
often it takes me some time to get to the actual business of the day. If I am
on the record, I know I have to be in court at a certain time, so that guides
my morning. Today, though, I am sitting in my home office working on
transcripts (no, really, I am!) My time is my own. I both have a sense of
urgency, and I don’t. For someone who works best with time boundaries, this
kind of day can be a nightmare. I am choosing to simply enjoy it today. Yes, I
will be working, but I have already accomplished all the things in the
preceding paragraph as well as a few other things. Now that I have my own
office at home, I am comfortable and feel pleased by the environment.
When I have had space like this that is only used by me, I
have generally kept it in good order. I so miss having my own car that is
usually driven (and occupied) by me. I like things to be a certain way. First,
I like things to be clean. It pleases my eye to see them that way. No, I’m not
a neat freak. I don’t scold my husband or kids for folding the towels “wrong,”
as some of us are wont to do. What I do is ask a few times for things to be
done….just done….that would aid me in cultivating an environment that makes me
feel comfortable. Sometimes I stop asking and just sigh and try to ignore it.
That is really hard for me. But therein lies the rub: I am really not in control of my life. I try
to anchor myself by accomplishing simple tasks that create a nice place to be;
in return, it keeps my mind off all the troubling aspects of my life and how
powerless I feel.
Our backyard is very big. We have a lot of flowers, a
planter box with a garden inside, and raspberry bushes. It is both marvelous
and horrifying. We also have hollyhocks everywhere! The weeds have overgrown
our bedding areas, and the task to keep them in control is too overwhelming. I
want window coverings so I don’t have to see that disarray and feel guilt and
frustration. In the house we have two furry dogs and three equally furry
kitties. And a dark hardwood floor. There is no day that we can really get by
without sweeping/vacuuming/mopping. But it happens.
I suffer silently most of the time. My house is often untidy
unless I keep up with it. It is hard to accomplish any work at home, even with
an awesome office, unless the household is in order. After many busy days in a
row where I just don’t have the energy to do the myriad tasks I have assigned
myself, the weight of all that is out of place, dirty, or in disarray is almost
too much for me to bear. Then I gather myself and resentfully pour myself into
getting everything back the way it should be.
How I wish that the rest of life’s disarray was as easy to
overcome. I have learned that when more than one person is involved, no one can
completely control things. I am painfully aware that I must trigger similar
issues for my sweetheart, who likes some things done certain ways that I am
unaware. While I may have day dreamed as a child about my future spouse (and I
adore my spouse, don’t get me wrong!) it is clear that I forgot the other part
of the equation, which is another human with likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and
things loved and loathed.
Last semester I re-studied the Five Love Languages, which
taught me about myself. I realize that my love language of acts of service
explains why I happily do all the laundry for my family as well as most of the
other tasks I do for my sweetheart and our kids. The way to fill my bucket,
though, is to understand why I feel loved when my loved ones “speak” my
language and then share the burden to keep our home in order so that I don’t
feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, and resentful. If I walk through our home
and only see things in their places and no chores crying out to be done, I have
a measure of peace that allows me to have the strength to face the issues that
trouble me.
