I have long believed that each of us will face our personal heaven or hell when we finish this life. I imagine that our eyes will be opened, and we will see everything for what it truly is, and we will be keenly aware of the decisions we made that either brought us closer to or took us farther from the most priceless dream we could ever have. In fact, that dream will actually lose its dreamlike qualities, and we will see that the life we have lived on this earth was the least substantial part of our journey.
The truly harrowing and heart wrenching part will be the realization that we have cheapened what we should have held most dear for momentary happiness that couldn’t be retained. The real hell for us will be knowing what we could have and seeing what we have actually chosen for ourselves.
In my life, I have been two halves of a mismatched person. Part of me is cheerful and has a positive attitude. I remember in high school that I collected positive thoughts and carried a couple of small notebooks in my purse. I was always ready in seminary when a positive thought was needed, and no one remembered to bring one. And then later I learned that my positive thoughts inspired a former boyfriend and his wife to create such a book especially for missionaries to use. I meet new people every day in my job, and I have been complimented for my positive attitude (“You’re one of the nicest court reporters I’ve ever met”). Everyone starts out “glass half full” in my estimation…that is, until they do something that forces me to change my opinion. And, alas, I have suffered a great deal of abuse in my life (real and imagined) because it really takes a lot to get me to change my positive opinion about someone.
Then there’s the other half. The half that just can’t stop being sad and overwhelmed with the sorrows in my life. The positive attitude keeps me from being suicidal or anything tragic like that, but the absolutely dark and dreary half makes the entire existence simply miserable.
Naturally, I much prefer being positive. I like to sing and to listen to beautiful music (notice, I didn’t say that I can SING beautiful music …) I like to be friendly to others and to make sure that something about their interaction with me leaves them smiling. I love fully and with the best my inexpert self can manage. And I lay that heart of mine out there, expecting it to be treated with kid gloves, but instead end up watching it get trampled on by those who I expected to treat it with care.
I sincerely cannot imagine what I can do to change the course of my life. And THAT is my personal hell. I know it’s not working, and I know that it’s not what I had in mind, but I don’t know what *I* can do to make it head in a better direction.
And it seems that when I was a teenager, if you read my journal, it was the joyful part that loved to write, but nowadays it’s the miserable half. And I simply love to write. I want to write about the joy I feel so I have something to remind me when it all gets a little hazy. But mostly I want to have a little view of that heaven off in the distance so I can head in the right direction….
And, really, how do you speak to someone about this? If they truly don't understand you, they kind of take a mental step back because it's just too much for them to take in. And if they DO understand you, often it seems to be a bit competitive :D
I speak my language. I even understand my language. I write down the language of others for a living. Language is so important to me. But I can't speak in a voice that is recognized and seen for what it really is. Do you think there's a Rosetta Stone out there for people like me?
