Be Still and Know that I am God

As a Pathway student, I have been immersed in studying the scriptures and the words of our modern prophets for almost a year now. Even our math class and now our English class have revolved around inspirational material. In a way I have been practicing the steps I need to take to receive personal revelation, so the first thing I can say that I do to receive personal revelation is – my homework.

Elder David A. Bednar gave a talk in general conference in 2011 entitled “The Spirit of Revelation.” He described the experience of walking into a dark room and turning on the lights, immediately illuminating our surroundings. Then he described the experience when we watch the sunrise, gradually beginning to see.

Many of us have been baptized and have received the gift of the Holy Ghost. President Joseph Smith said:  “The Holy Ghost is a revelator,” and “no man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations.” That means that each one of us is entitled to receive personal revelation.

But how do we receive personal revelation? Elder Bednar listed examples:  “dreams, visions, conversations with heavenly messengers, and inspiration. Some revelations are received immediately and intensely; some are recognized gradually and subtly….A light turned on in a dark room is like receiving a message from God quickly, completely, and all at once….The gradual increase of light radiating from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God ‘line upon line, precept upon precept.’ Most frequently revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation.” Elder Bednar indicated that this is the pattern by which most of us receive revelation.

There have been times in my life where I wondered why never received outstanding messages that were very clear and unequivocally from Heavenly Father. Elder Bednar said, “We as members of the Church tend to emphasize marvelous and dramatic spiritual manifestations so much that we may fail to appreciate and may even overlook the customary pattern by which the Holy Ghost accomplishes His work.” Because my way of receiving revelation has most often been subtle and gradual, sometimes I have missed it altogether. 

Oliver Cowdery, who was instrumental in helping Joseph Smith translate the Book of Mormon, also felt this way until the Lord had to tell him through the Prophet that he had, indeed, been receiving revelation far longer than he had been aware.

I am not the scriptorian my husband is, but every time I learn, and especially every time I teach from the scriptures, I come away with far more than I brought to the table. My personal feeling is that no matter how much time you spend reading the scriptures, hours or moments, you should open them (or click the app) and read at least a verse. My experience has been that when I am reading the scriptures, I am open to have the Holy Ghost there to whisper to me. There are many aids available to help us as we read. I personally love the Institute manuals. There is, of course, the Topical Guide and many different styles of studying. Many of the answers we seek in our prayers can be found in the scriptures. Studying the scriptures helps me to receive personal revelation.

Our church was organized because Joseph Smith, who, as he was reading the scriptures, learned that he could ask God a question. He asked that question, and as he would come to recognize, the Lord had quite an answer to a simple question. So many other things happened during his tenure in the church that all began with a question such as, “We were reading this in the Bible, and we are wondering what it means.” The Word of Wisdom came when Joseph went to the Lord and said, “I have a question…” Each of us should know that we can and must ask questions of our Heavenly Father. He has much to teach us, so His answers are there, so when I want to receive personal revelation, I ask questions.

Of course, much as Oliver Cowdery later learned, we aren’t going to always have the answers just handed to us simply because we ask a question. I learned a great tool in my Pathway class:  Pray before you read the scriptures, not just after. Pray about your concerns and ask for help and guidance. Then open the scriptures and read. Often the answers to your prayers will be in that reading. Other times the answers will come unexpectedly when you are doing something else, and you chance to hear something that strikes your mind with clarity. How many of us have listened to the same conference talk and all felt that it was directed to us and our individual concerns? And we were all right. Praying consistently helps me to receive personal revelation.

We need to be patient. I am telling myself that more than many of you. Back in the summer of 2000 my husband and I separately received an impression that we needed to move to Utah. Neither of us had any desire to move to Utah. We were almost afraid to mention it to one another, expecting pushback. Once we did confirm that each of us had the same impression, we began to get things in order to make it happen. Darryl looked for work, and we began trying to figure out how we would get the okay from my ex to take the kids out of state. First, Darryl was never able to get a job in Utah, despite his efforts; second, my ex was intrigued, but his wife said “no way!” We were stumped. Why did we receive this strong impression that we needed to go to Utah, and then there was no way we could do it?

We ended up moving to Selma, California, where we lived for one year. Six months after our move, my ex took his own life. Our son who was then 13 was convinced it was his fault, and he was reckless and picking fights with older, much bigger kids. We realized that we now had the freedom to go wherever we wanted. We also were aware of a facility in Utah that helped troubled boys. We moved there to live for about a year and a half. We were there for just a few months before our son went to the facility and stayed for a few months after he was released. It literally saved his life, but when we no longer needed this, we actually had to move from Utah, looking for a better financial opportunity for our family.

Since I was a young girl, I have had chronic headaches that plague me daily. About half a dozen times per year I will have a headache that is so painful and that lasts for three or four days. I am often reduced to a place of desperation. I hesitate to ask the Lord for help with my headaches, because one time I did, and the doctors discovered a brain tumor. They also told me right off that it had nothing to do with my headaches.

About five years ago I was having one of those multi-day headaches. The pain was awful. For those who suffer migraines, I will tell you that a migraine is something of a relief to me because it is less painful for me. During that episode, the missionaries came to the house to help my husband give me a blessing. It was intended to be a blessing of healing for my headaches, but it was far more. Oh, yes, the headaches were mentioned at the beginning of the blessing, but what followed must have confused the poor elders.

Our family is fractured in many ways, and it has brought great sorrow to my heart. I have prayed for years to be forgiving, to be at peace, to keep loving those who have caused pain. I have prayed for those people and their successes in life. I have been praying for a miracle. It all seemed to no avail. But the next words out of my husband’s mouth – and we both know that these were not the words he intended to say – were:  “Relationships will be healed if you remain humble.” A few weeks later, one of my daughters called me unexpectedly. She was a large part of the rift, but she called me to apologize. We now have a good relationship. It was a bit of a thunderclap moment for me because I had never believed that this would happen. Mind you, the rest of the family has pulled farther away, and it is still a struggle. All I can do, though, and I strive to do it, is remain humble, to ask forgiveness for my impatience, and to keep praying for those loved ones who are not part of my life. But I knew from the day I heard those words that the Lord was giving me a revelation:  Be humble and trust in the Lord.

I will close with my testimony of the Pathway program. You see, for me, this has been a time of great personal revelation. I did not know there was a specific reason we needed to move to Idaho other than to take the position in the court here, but Pathway is that reason. I needed to be in a place where I knew someone who had participated in the program and spoke of it often. Then I was ready to hear the call to join Pathway, and it has blessed my life beyond measure. The Lord has answered many of my prayers by directing the course and the materials we have been studying. I have been concerned about the turmoil over many issues in our society today. I wanted to understand. Meanwhile, the Lord had inspired leaders who created a whole new religion class for us, and we are the first group taking a class that is “just” about the family proclamation. We have only been in this semester five weeks, and we are only in the first part of the proclamation, but there has been so much reading involved that we are getting comprehensive training to understand the Lord’s eternal design for His children. I am receiving a glimmer of understanding, even though the questions have been on my mind for about a dozen years.

If I am still and know that He is God, I can hear his revelation to me to help guide my life. I know that the things I have outlined that I am trying to do are what I need to do in order to hear His words.

Partaking of the Sacrament

I taught Sunday School to the youth in our ward in Virginia for five years. As any teacher will tell you, I am sure I learned far more by studying the scriptures in preparation than did any of the students in my classes. My first year and my last year as a teacher we studied the Book of Mormon. Unlike our Primary kids, I had not learned about the Book of Mormon as I was growing up, so as a 15-year-old, who thought I knew everything, a whole new world of people and their experiences opened up for me. Even after many years in the Church, it wasn’t until those years teaching that I truly became acquainted with those people. Abinadi is one of my favorite prophets in the Book of Mormon. I hope that after his death he was made aware of Alma and his efforts to teach all he had learned from Abinadi. Talk about a successful missionary!

In secret, as Alma was gathering people who, probably like he, remembered and yearned to return to the things taught by Abinadi, these are the words he spoke:

Mosiah 18:8 … now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

Later in the Book of Mormon, Ammon, Alma the Younger’s missionary companion, converts many Lamanites to the Church of Christ. They were so thoroughly converted that they were all too aware of their sins, which were many and were grievous. Because of this, they willingly and gratefully made a covenant with their Father in Heaven, who had forgiven them of those sins, that they would NEVER commit those sins again. And they were true to their word, feeling that suffering the pain of death was far better than ever breaking that covenant. They were the parents of the 2,000 stripling warriors. When things became perilous years later, these people were still reluctant but, fearing for the safety of their loved ones, agreed to take up arms once again to protect them. Helaman, the son of Alma, talked them out of it, because he and his contemporaries knew how important our covenants with our Father in Heaven are. I could go on. Book of Mormon stories are filled with heart stopping moments and heart swelling testimony.

What does it mean for US to take upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ?  In the April 1986 Ensign John S. Tanner, who is currently serving in the General Sunday School Presidency of the Church (and who was an English professor at BYU, so that makes him doubly my hero), wrote an article entitled:  “Reflections on the Sacrament Prayers.” He said:

“We who have taken upon ourselves the name of Christ, first at baptism and then weekly with the sacrament, may also be worthy to be embraced by the Lord. But first we will have to make an accounting of what we have done with his name, the only name under heaven through which salvation comes.

“We honor this name by keeping his commandments. But which commandments? At first, I think of the questions asked of me during a temple recommend interview. But soon I get to the even more searching great commandments: Am I truly loving man and God with all my heart and strength? ‘If a man love me,’ Jesus said, ‘he will keep my words.’ I believe this to be as much a statement of simple fact as it is an injunction. Those who love the Lord do keep his commandments.

“Yet no matter how inspiring our Sabbath, come Monday morning, the cares of the world quickly press upon us. I suppose, then, it is precisely because the Lord understands our human tendency to forget that he invites us to partake of the sacrament weekly. The commandment is adjusted, as is the Word of Wisdom, to the capacity of the weak.”

One of the greatest blessings from Heavenly Father is agency. Because of agency, we are able to make the free choice to give Heavenly Father the one thing that is truly ours to give:  Obedience. Because we are weak and sin, we also have the blessing of repentance, which is a direct result of the Atonement. Without the Savior’s Atonement, repentance would be a wasted effort. Also, through repentance we learn some of our most important lessons. Like anyone, I have regrets, mostly regarding my own sins and errors. And I have spent a lot of time daydreaming about what life would be like had I not made that mistake or this; how much happier would I be? But then I think, would I like the person I have become had I not stumbled and then struggled through the repentance process? As I prepared to graduate high school a couple of years ago, I was, unbeknownst to myself, judgmental. I had goals and expectations for my life. And then that life happened, and I painfully learned how hard it really is. I believe I have spent the intervening years repenting for my frame of mind in those early years and striving to look at others as the divine beings we all are.

My family knows how much I dislike the pairing of the word “agency” with the word “free,” because there really is no such thing as free agency. Now, there is agency that allows us the freedom to choose for ourselves, but we are NOT free of the consequences of those choices, good or bad. And then there’s the fact that sometimes we suffer the consequences, good or bad, of OTHER people’s choices.

Sometimes it is a struggle not to ask “why me?” “How long do I have to be punished for my sins?” But stepping back a little, I recognize that it is not the Lord “punishing” me. In some cases I still feel the consequences of my actions, and in other cases, I recognize that the consequences I feel are those resulting from someone else’s choice to judge ME. And one lesson I am struggling to learn is that I can turn to the Lord for help to get through those difficult times.

I believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I believe He lived and yet lives. I believe we all will be resurrected as a consequence of the Atonement. But let us not just believe IN Christ. Let us also BELIEVE Christ. His Atonement opened for us the opportunity to repent. Let us believe that for ourselves and, just as importantly, for others. That is an essential part of repentance. How can we truly repent of our sins if we are unwilling to forgive first ourselves and then others? 

These are some of the thoughts I have as I partake of the sacrament each Sunday. And partaking of the sacrament each Sunday humbles me as I renew my conviction to keep my promises to our Heavenly Father. What are those promises? That I will take upon myself the name of Jesus Christ and always remember Him, and keep His commandments. We have been commanded to take the sacrament often so that these things do not become items on an imaginary to-do list but to keep them in the forefront of our minds because they can and should be the spiritual GPS we rely on to make our way through this life.

With Love from Your Favorite Granddaughter

My aunt called me about five months ago to tell me that my grandmother (her mom) was entering her last illness. She had just turned 95, and her body was telling her it was time to be done. I actually cried about it after we talked, not because my grandmother, who had lived a long life, was dying, but because I felt like a little girl at that moment, not ready to lose my last living grandparent.

I wrote Grandma a letter that I sent to my aunt, who printed it for Grandma to read. I poured out my heart to her because there was so much I wished I had said but hadn’t, and I knew she needed to know. My aunt later told me that Grandma seemed to like what I had written because she had read it three or four times. It is very true what I had feared:  I regret that I didn’t go see her much in the last 20 years.

Grandma passed away on Monday. My aunt told me that it was peaceful and that about 30 minutes after hearing my aunt tell her that it was okay to let go, that everything would be fine here, Grandma was gone. She had asked Grandma to give Grandpa and my dad a hug for her. For me too, Grandma!

It has been my privilege in the last few years to have spent small bits of time with Grandma and my aunt and uncle. The realization that I was loved by these people, because I had truly forgotten what that was like, warmed my soul. I needed more of that, but it was not to be. At least not with Grandma.

I tell everyone that I want to be like my grandmother when (if) I grow up. Until the last few months of her life, Grandma was mostly lucid and aware. She was sharp as a tack and had a great relationship with both her daughter and her son-in-law. It was heartwarming to see them together. I teased her that I was still scared of her but that I was sure I could outrun her with that walker!

Grandma continued to work with her hands, likely very frustrated by how age slowed her down, but the works of art she created are wonderful. I have a beautiful lap blanket she crocheted for me, and it contains my favorite colors. I don’t think I’d even told her!

Because of family issues, I didn’t see my grandparents from 8^th graduation until high school graduation, when I drove up to meet them at the airport when they had just finished a cruise. It was a big surprise, and it was absolutely the right thing to do. I was so sorry that I had missed out on the previous four years.

My memories begin with toddling around in my grandparents’ backyard, naked as can be, playing with the hose. I have pictures of that day, but I actually remember experiencing it. I was fortunate enough to see them often as I was growing up (until 8^th grade), including a full month with them, traveling the western states in 1970. It was obvious there was a disconnect in their relationship with my parents, but I knew they loved me and liked to have me around.

When my oldest daughter was a baby, we used to go up and stay in Fort Bragg with them, without my parents or siblings. I loved it there. Both of them were so hard working, and they always treated me as if I was something special. Since I was living in an abusive marriage at the time, their attitude and behavior towards me was like cold water to a thirsty person.

The struggle was real in my own life. It became harder and harder for me to think enough of myself to reach out to the people who loved me. It was all I could do to keep waking up in the mornings. I was a mess. Then I divorced, and the struggle was still real, but it had changed. When I remarried, we drove to the coast for our honeymoon weekend, and my new husband suggested we drive up to see my grandparents before we headed back home.

This get together is one of my favorite memories. We both remember vividly my short grandma looking up at my tall husband and putting the fear of, well, HER in him if he ever dared to hurt me. He has taken that threat very seriously over the past 19 years. But here were two people who loved me making sure that they understood one another, and a bond was formed.

The struggle intensified as we discovered how difficult it was to raise a family of kids with strong personalities, many of whom had issues that we hadn’t yet addressed. It wasn’t until about ten years after my father (their son) died that I was able to get back in touch (though there was frequent communication with my aunt). Kristi and I had the chance to spend four days in their home, and it was so much fun. I will always cherish that.

I learned that Grandma had mellowed with age. I learned that what remained in her was love for her family members. She missed so many people who were gone, especially Grandpa. She was continuing to lose family members, and eventually only she and one of her stepsisters remained. Now her stepsister is the sole surviving member of their family. I should mention that I use the term “step” only for genealogical reasons; the family was just a big group of people. I remember Grandma taking care of her mother in her later years; it wasn’t actually her birth mother but the mother who raised her for much of her life.

Most of the time I knew her, Grandma was one of the most industrious people I had ever known. She was a wonder, that’s for sure! Her garden up in Fort Bragg was legendary. I wish I had gotten even a tiny bit of her green thumb.

Grandma wasn’t big on religion, but other than that, it was no big thing. It didn’t enter into our relationship at all. She didn’t love me because of or in spite of my faith, but my faith was irrelevant to her love for me. As she grew older, it was clear that she was looking forward to seeing her loved ones again. I had a sense that, while she wasn't part of an organized religion, she had faith in God.

Grandma’s aging body prevented her from being much of a traveler in her later years. Some of us, her grandchildren, did make an effort to see her, though others were better than I. I sincerely wish I had reached out more and gone out of my own way to make sure I could visit with her. I honestly will regret that the rest of my life, and I fully expect her to be waiting for me, arms crossed, foot tapping, to give me a scolding when I get to the other side of the veil. Bring it, Grandma! I not only deserve it, but I look forward to it.

Margaret Clyista Earl Osborn was born December 16, 1920. She married her school sweetheart, Roy Conrad Osborn, and they had four children, one of whom died at birth. Her childhood had been traumatic, although I am not even sure she realizes. It would definitely have shaped who she was in her life. She was an awesome grandmother. She took great care of her husband and then mourned him for the last 14 years. She suffered not only the loss of her infant daughter but the unexpected death of her oldest son when he was only 59 years of age. As I said, she had lost most of her siblings, nine of the ten.

I cannot express how much I appreciate Aunt Cheryl, who cared for Grandma (and Grandpa before he died) for decades, especially in the past decade or so. The bond between them was great. Caring for somebody can be taxing, and I know there were burdens. I believe Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Floyd have a blessing waiting for them in heaven because of their efforts on Grandma’s behalf.