What Gift Do You Crave?

There was a wedding in my family recently. I dearly wanted to be there to give my love, but I was a coward and did not attend. The most recent family event I had attended was two years ago, and it was dreadful. I knew that I didn’t have the strength to be around some of the same people and face some of the same behavior. I admit it; I am weak.

In a telephone conversation with a family member, who called about something inconsequential (just asking me a question), she told me she was away from home because she had attended the wedding, and where was I? Why wasn’t I at the wedding? I am often not completely truthful when I talk to family members. I mean, what’s the point in telling them how I feel and how much I have been hurt by the betrayal? Most of the time that would be merely self-serving. This time, though, I told her exactly why I wasn’t there, and she replied, “Oh. Well, we all have to face the consequences of our decisions.” I’ll admit I was not kind in my reply. Sometimes the doormat has to take itself out and shake off all the footprints, you know.

My decision to not be at the wedding was not because I didn’t want to celebrate the new marriage in my family or the people who celebrated it. My decision in this case was selfish; I knew that I couldn’t bear to be shunned. 

My decision to leave my first husband was hard fought. I didn’t have the support of family or the church (meaning the church couldn't make the decision for me) or friends or anyone. It was all a big secret because I supposed that being abused was a fault of my own, and I was so ashamed. One memorable comment from a family member was, “I can’t believe [first husband] didn’t start beating you sooner!” When I was threatened by DHW that my children would be taken away if I didn’t protect them from abuse, I gathered my courage and finally did it. Nothing was easy about that. It didn’t get any easier. It is still not easy.

My decision to take a chance and meet in person the man I had met on line – a new, scary place where people tended to keep themselves to themselves – and listen to his recitation of loss and failure that he had experienced and still not be frightened away was one that my Heavenly Father supported. He didn’t tell me it would be easy. 

And it hasn’t been easy. It has been a rough road. Every boy or man with whom I’d ever had a relationship was not well liked by my family. The vast emotional wealth I have received because of this decision cannot be counted. The enormity of my loss because of this decision is immeasurable. And by aligning himself with me, my husband has suffered more loss of his own and a sense of continued failure. I am not sure whether he has been as blessed as I have by our marriage. In him I gained a best friend. I would still rather spend time with him over any other activity that comes to mind.

My decision to marry this man I had known for a mere 10 weeks, later sealing that marriage in the temple, was because I knew it was right. Despite the trials, I still know it was and is right. No one – no one – has treated me so well.

My decision to accept the strength he offered to try and help corral my kids and maintain some order in our family was mostly based on sheer exhaustion and relief on my part. I feel so guilty about that because I know how much it cost him, and rather than being thanked for it, he has been reviled, and he has watched me lose so much, ostensibly because of him. He blames himself; I do not.

My decision to fight through the low points of our marriage was based on my knowledge that marriage can be Eternal. Family can be Eternal. I knew this was that marriage, that family for me. Had I known how hard it would be, would I have stayed? Would I rather have run away? Created a new life? I’m not saying.

My decision to remove the viper in our nest was and will always haunt me as one of the hardest decisions in my life, but it was a necessity to prevent the poison from hurting those I love the very most. It wasn't done out of spite. It was done out of a place of pain. I punish myself for it every day, even knowing I had no real choice.

My decision to forgive was a hard one, but it was necessary for me to have any peace and forgiveness of my own. I have to work at forgiveness every single day. It’s not always the same person in need of my forgiveness, nor is it always someone other than myself who needs that forgiveness. I rarely tell anyone that I have forgiven; some because they don’t need to know the pettiness of my own thoughts that are the real culprit that must be forgiven, some because they have chosen to take another path in regard to me, and forgiveness is not on the table from them. I strive to keep that forgiveness and softness in my heart because these are people I love, regardless.

My decision to pray for sweetness in my life is because I know so much of bitterness. I pray to have opportunities to reach out and love others to not only help fill my own void but help fill the voids of others that I can’t even see.

One day I hope to have a knock on the door that brings to me all that I have lost or been denied at this stage in my life. I continue to pray for strength and for a heart so filled with love that I cannot find room for bitterness or anger.

“If you could see your life from start to finish, would you change things?”

January of 1997 I flew from California to Salt Lake City, where I was met by my now-husband at the airport. We had “known” each other only through chat rooms, instant messages, emails, and telephone calls. It had only been ten days, but it was a life-changing ten days.

One of my best memories of that weekend was watching the film “Somewhere in Time” together. It was a favorite of both of ours, so it was a great “date” activity. I was coming off of 14 years of physical and mental abuse, so I was more fragile than I’d ever imagined. As we watched the movie, I started wondering if my hope of one day having romance and true love in my life was a real possibility. At some point I just burst into tears. Some 14 years later, Darryl and I were able to visit Mackinac Island and had our picture taken in front of the Grand Hotel. I have that picture on my desk at work. It represents one of my fondest memories of this worthwhile relationship.

Friday night we went to see a movie that dealt with time and language, among other things. The main character asks, “If you could see your life from start to finish, would you change things?” Darryl has recently said that he's afraid that if he had known how challenging life would be for him once he married me, he would never have done so. While this makes me sad, it also makes perfect sense to me. Not only was I broken, but my kids were high maintenance. I had no idea myself at the time. I have to wonder whether I would have decided not to jump into the mess before me if I had known it was there. Now that I am in a place where we have one last child about to leave the nest, and I feel safe and warm and loved in our marriage, I am so grateful that we could not see what we would face in the years ahead of us at the time. Each of us has also said that the tremendous trials we faced before ever meeting one another helped shape who we are and how we approach our marriage. Would it have been as sweet if we had not suffered so much beforehand? Would we have been able to get through the tough times, had we not already known much worse? That is something we will never really know for sure.

In some TV shows, beings from different planets start out older and get younger. Imagine that! On this planet we have the saying, “Youth is wasted on the young!” As I grow older and learn more about myself and try to smooth my rough edges, I regret that I am growing older physically and don’t have all the experiences ahead of me that I’m sure I botched in my younger days. Who wouldn’t wish to go back to some pivotal moment in life to approach it with perspective and the wisdom we gain through our lives, just to have a do-over?

But today is the day the Lord hath made. I don’t wallow in the past or wish I could go back. If I did go back and changed something I felt was a huge mistake on my part, what would I come “home” to find I had lost as a result?

My best friend and husband is one of the tender mercies the Lord has given me. I am so grateful that I have him and get to keep him. My goal is to live in each moment and appreciate them at the time. May we all be able to do the same:  Make your world better, and all our little worlds combined will be a better place as a whole.

Giving Thanks

Today is Thanksgiving. It is 5:25 p.m. Dinner is well on its way to being digested. I did nothing. Well, I did put cheese in celery that my husband had cut for me. He made the pies yesterday, and he made every single thing we had for our dinner tonight. And it was fantastic. My tummy, as is traditional, is full but happy.

I am sad, though, because, while I enjoyed the company of my sweetheart and our baby girl, there were three other kids and their partners I wish we could have whisked to our dinner table and three others who wouldn’t have been willing to be so whisked, no matter WHAT we were eating. My in-laws are in Georgia serving a mission, so we don’t even know whether there was a gathering for the family in Utah this year.

I have read several of my Facebook posts from past years, lamenting how my family doesn’t like me or probably wouldn’t care if something happened to me. I was surprised to see that I posted such things. Oh, I’m not surprised I felt that way, nor have I had some sort of amazing reconciliation that has swept those feelings away, but I have reached a point in my life where I am not ruled by them. I have long prayed for healing, and it appears that it is happening at last.

As I mull over how I want to celebrate the coming Christmas season, two things have really rung loud and clear in my heart:  First, the Church has a Christmas initiative called #LightTheWorld, featuring daily acts of service; second, I received the unmistakable, almost audible direction that now (tomorrow, since I get paid some) is the time to become reacquainted with and actively paying tithing. I miss knowing that I am obeying this commandment, and I really miss having the opportunity to go to the temple. It is calling to me. There is no other reason I cannot go. And with our baby girl being accepted to Utah State beginning next fall, I know that we will need to rely on all the blessings promised by the Lord to pull this off.

I am grateful for my blessings. I am happy to be married to the person with whom I most love spending my time. I am grateful that I am not mourning. I know several who are mourning loved ones lost in unspeakable ways, and my heart hurts for them. I am grateful for those that love me and keep a prayer in my heart for those who do not. 

My deepest desire is that the upcoming new year will be one that sees us upwardly mobile and reaching goals we’ve long had but couldn’t meet. I fervently pray that something draws us closer as a nation so that we can help one another through difficult times.