Of Pancakes and Brake Pads

(Scott's photo of one of the trees in our yard)

The dust has settled. We are in our new home, smaller, more intimate and cozy, and $600 cheaper :D It’ll probably be months before we find everything. Our garage is detached (and it’s HUGE!), which requires an internal discussion before we head out there for any reason. We’re already rethinking the decision to put the extra fridge and upright freezer out there…Still, when we look all over the house for something and can’t find it, we realize with a somewhat sinking heart that “it’s probably in the garage.” But spring has to come sometime, doesn’t it?

It’s been quite a task to unpack, which is usually my favorite part of moving. But this house is much smaller, so there are no vast wastelands of storage. We’ve really simplified our lives out of necessity, and that’s a very good thing. So the process is therapeutic, but it takes some real thinking before anything gets put away. And sometimes more than one try.

One thing I had hoped I would find has been available in great abundance. I mentioned on my Facebook status update this morning that Darryl made pancakes for breakfast. Scott and Kristi have no school today because it snowed pretty hard yesterday. My court day was also canceled, so all four of us were home. In fact, we slept in till nearly 9:00! But anyway, back to the breakfast. Scott said the blessing, and he said, “Please bless us that we will enjoy being together today.” I teased him that God may be a god of miracles, but let’s not ask the impossible from him, but in reality, I almost hugged him because he said something that often rises to the surface in my mother’s brain. While we ate, we joked and laughed, enjoying the yummy pancakes, and generally DID enjoy being together.

Disclaimer here: Kristi was especially stressed last night (before the snow day was announced) because she had an inordinate amount (for a 6th grader) of homework that should have been due today, and she was worried about how she’d get it done. Then the kids’ computer crashed, and she was really frantic. Coming home from a difficult job up in DC, I was a bit stressed, as well, and by the end of our initial encounter, she was in tears, and I was feeling pretty sheepish. Never fear, she didn’t hesitate to come to me and talk about it, and we kissed and made up, promising not to take our stress out on one another. As for Scott, well, if you’ve met Scott, you know that that boy has too much brain in his head to let him stay out of trouble for any long stretches of time. He’s kind of the burr under my saddle much of the time….but I honestly wouldn’t trade him or Kristi for anyone or for any reason.

In recent memory, I’ve bragged about Scott’s art work, beamed with pride over his accomplishments in music, and bragged about both his and Kristi’s intelligence and their obvious thirst for knowledge. Kristi listened jealously a few weeks ago when Scott told us that they had dissected frogs in science. See, she’s only in 6th, he’s in 7th, and SHE wants to be a surgeon when she grows up. Really. Scott’s science teacher, who probably spends a lot of days just shaking her head over his, um, “humor,” was actually pleased to tell me that he had been able to name all the organs of the frog when asked. And he did a pretty good job in the dissection. I can remember a million years ago our science class dissected earth worms, and let’s just say, there’s a REASON why I work with words, not science….:D

(Scott's painting of Niagara Falls)

My visiting teacher came over the other day, and we had a lovely visit (I really love this lady. She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known). She was telling me how much she likes our house, and I looked around my little living room/dining room area and had to agree. It’s warm and friendly and…inviting. And there is no one here who does not agree. It’s been almost two weeks, and I haven’t heard a single word of complaint or disparagement about the new place. Trust me, that’s BIG in my world. Scott’s a little slow in doing the work to put his room together, but Kristi had her little sanctuary unpacked in record time. Each has a room with a queen-sized bed, and they will both eventually have added a personal touch.

(Scott's photo of our new house, after the snow)

Right now we are in the midst of (yet another) crisis. Our Mazda sits in the driveway, undriveable because (we thought) of a blown head gasket. There is now hope that the problem is really something much less expensive. Then on the coldest morning in a long time, our van’s transmission suddenly stopped responding. We actually have to nurse the van through the various gears manually, starting in first, then slowly moving up to drive. It’s scary.

Then we wrote our landlord two checks to cover the rest of the rent for January as well as our deposit. We don’t have any cash from the other house because the landlord summarily changed the locks on the house and didn’t give us a single minute to paint, clean, and repair the house before turning it back over. That’s a story for our lawyer to handle, because, yeah, taking possession of your house and barring your tenant from his/her property (patio furniture, entertainment center, and BBQ, along with miscellaneous other things) is kind of, um, against the law. At any rate, current landlord, whom we really like, received the two checks, one dated for the day I dropped them off and the other dated for this Friday, the 28th. Darryl wrote him an e-mail telling him that we needed him to hold the second check. But when I went to check our account yesterday, I discovered we were overdrawn…in the amount of the second check, which he had deposited along with the first one. So, boo on him for not paying attention, and boo on the bank(s) for not checking the dates….and ::sigh:: on us because we are broke till payday. Again.

And yet…and yet, I can’t believe how UNstressed I feel about this. I’m looking at my husband and falling in love with him more every day. I see my “babies,” who actually look at me back and LIKE me as well as LOVE me. It feels like having gone for your entire adult life with bad brake pads. It’s so bad, makes so much noise, actually groans and even hurts to hit the brakes. In the meantime, you’re not noticing that all the other parts work fine. In fact, the car has a great finish, and the upholstery is really nice. The heater works great. But you’re so fixed on those loud, painful brakes that you don’t even notice all the good things. And then, one day, you FINALLY get those brake pads replaced, and you SEE and HEAR and FEEL all the awesome parts of your car working together. It’s magical. You might even miss the old brake pads because you were awfully careful about how you braked, but that doesn’t keep you from reveling in the joy you feel in your car that works beautifully and blesses you. Every. Single. Day.

I relish each day for the gift I receive. I’m finally ready to start living my life. So it took me 49 years to get started. What can I say? :D

So now you've read the Constitution....but do you know what it says?

The minds of many have been focused on the tragic shootings in Arizona yesterday. One thing that chills me is the realization that this really isn’t shocking anymore, despite the high profile victims and the seemingly impossibly sweet youngest victim as well as the stories of the others who died. But our world has come to a darker place. I often wonder whether this is what John the Revelator saw when he envisioned the last days. Okay, so that’s kind of a duh, isn’t it?

I was surprised by a phone call this evening from someone who is speaking ABOUT me but not TO me, asking me to explain my take on the legalities of the matter. You see, it is known who the shooter was, and he is in custody and has even made his first court appearance. Of course, his plea will be not guilty, and he will be tried before a jury. My caller wondered why, since there were so many people who will testify that he was, indeed, the shooter, can’t we just dispense with the trial by jury, have the matter heard by a judge, and make sure the key is well and truly thrown away. I definitely understand the sentiment, and I’ve even been known to secretly applaud some of that good ol’ vigilante justice visited on particularly heinous individuals by their fellow heinous inmates.

I’m no lawyer, of course, and I don’t profess to have any special knowledge, just lots of years of working in the judicial system and observing. So as much as I can understand it, I do, and I know that there is a reason for the laws we consider so precious.

So why does someone accused of a capital crime (a crime for which a person may be punished with the death penalty) rarely plead guilty? It isn’t really because anyone believes the accused is really innocent. Despite the fact that we have the right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty, the court of public opinion is far less interested in what’s just. But in a case like the instant case, where several people actually saw the shooter committing the acts, it’s not like those people will question his guilt, right?

The first thing I thought of was the Constitution. Having worked for a long time in court, reporting many a guilty plea hearing, I’ve heard hundreds of defendants receive a recitation of his/her rights. Sure enough, in the Sixth Amendment, we are granted: “In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.”

With the efforts of a good attorney, deals are made, punishments can be softened or even made more “palatable” to the general public, especially when the prosecutor is offered a dangling guilty plea in return. It’s kind of “business as usual” for the lawyers and judges, unfortunately. I often remind myself that my day at work is possibly the worst day in the life of the person on the other side of the table, so I need to take it seriously. And I do.

So why am I making a blog entry about this? As I was explaining what I understand about how important this liberty is for each of us, I was inspired with a great analogy. I said, “The reason it’s important to have this law is, just imagine if you were accused of a crime. Ten people say they know you committed the crime, but you know you did not. How fair would it be for the courts to determine that since ten other people said you did it, they needn’t bother with a trial? Instead, they would just find you guilty and send you directly to the punishment phase. And then there’s the fact that we, the public, want to know in this case what really happened. The people who were hurt and the people whose family members were killed have the right to stand before the accused and let him know how he has hurt them. And they have the right to know why he did it.”

And then I realized the painful irony of what I was saying to the person who was listening. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving me a moment of inspiration. It may not be of any use to my listener, but it certainly bore fruit in my heart and in my mind. My journey is far from over, but I feel stronger every day. I see a new reason to be joyful every time I turn. The mail or offhand remarks often bring things that cause me concern, but then I’ll see something or hear something that reduces the tough lessons to mere learning opportunities.

Man, I wonder if I can get a Ph.D. when I get to the end of all this? :D

We are of peace. Always.

Oh, man, I’ve been so negative lately. Let me take a few minutes to talk about the OTHER stuff that’s going on in my life.

It has been simply amazing to see the transformation in our home in the last several weeks. It’s been easier to see that Scott and Kristi are actually friends. Well, most of the time. They ARE still brother and sister, after all :D

Christmas was a time I feared because drama doesn’t usually mix well with family celebration. Oh, wait, I guess that’s actually an oxymoron, right? Seriously, when there is peace, when there is no anger swirling around, when there is no one standing by to dash the feelings of the 13 y/o boy and 11 y/o girl, it’s amazing what comes to the surface. Sure, we’re still puzzling over how to get Scott to learn the lesson about appropriate behavior in class, but he’s a pretty awesome kid, so it’s easy to forgive him.

We, of course, are having a little landlord drama over moving out of our too-large, too-expensive home, but it will all be a thing of the past fairly soon, and we have a hunch that THEIR financial troubles are coloring how they are behaving towards us. Oh, and he’s a lawyer, so that would add to the mix.

As Darryl pointed out, we are all healthy. We love each other and really like to hang out. Scott and Kristi love nothing more, it seems, than hanging out with us in our room watching TV. We have great pets who give us all the unconditional love our hearts could desire. Each of us (Darryl and me, that is) has a great job for which we have worked really hard to qualify. His allows him to be paid while helping those who really need help. My job is less touchy-feely, but it feels tremendously good to be able to finish editing a job barely half an hour after I first took it because it was taken down so cleanly in the first place.

Scott has been flourishing with his French horn. Jeremy (his private instructor) tells us that he’s a good player but not a great player, though he has the potential to be. He just needs to decide if he really wants to be serious about it. I have a hunch that decision is just around the corner. He also had a long talk with his guidance counselor who is really great with him. Even though he’s only in 7th grade (halfway done with the year), he’s excited about all the educational opportunities awaiting him in high school. Keep your fingers crossed, because I echo the counselor who said that he thinks we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg of Scott’s academic achievement.

Kristi is just about the sweetest person I know. What 11 y/o do you know who is so compassionate that she not only offers foot rubs, but she takes the time to assure her loved ones that she appreciates them and whatever they do for her? I rarely, maybe almost never, get any negative feedback when I ask her to do anything. I actually have to remind myself to NOT ask her to do too much, because it would be very easy to take advantage of that cooperative nature. Her kindness to me makes me want to make sure I am patient and kind with her. What a concept. Imagine if we all did that.

Last night I drove Darryl down to Thornburg to run with Spotsy. I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up things for dinner, made it home around 6:30, and quickly made dinner while Scott, Kristi, and I made our lunches for today. We were at the table by 7 and had finished cleaning up by 7:30. Kristi was marveling at how efficient we all were. I was secretly marveling at how much more efficient everyone/everything is.

Aaron’s been very helpful in the preliminary stages of our move. In fact, all three of the kids have really stepped up, which makes my huge task seem less burdensome. We need to get this done more quickly than we had planned, so I hope to also come up with some energy and motivation. ::Negativity alert:: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate moving? At least the packing part. Unpacking is not a problem.

Speaking of Aaron, we are hoping to hear soon from the Woodrow Wilson school that he should begin attending this year. He hopes to get advanced training in either IT or auto mechanics. Frankly, his knowledge of computers now is almost frightening, so I hope that’s the direction he heads. Everyone needs a computer genius (I promise, I am not making this up) in the family!

I love you all, my friends and family. I hope that you will continue to listen to my whines and support me with your prayers, as I will you.

Seeing Every Dimension in our 3-D World

Last year we studied the Old Testament in Sunday School. Sometime mid-year we discussed David over several weeks. What an amazing, multi-faceted (and multi-talented) person. It is clear from reading the Psalms that he was a passionate person with the gift of expressing himself beautifully (think of Isaiah…Neal A. Maxwell…)

Because of some changes in our ward over the past several months, I found myself at different times during the year teaching several different classes. Right now I am teaching the oldest kids, which I started doing in the early part of December. What great kids they are. They are smart and really interested in what we are studying. But then we got to a review week. We talked briefly about several things that had been discussed over the course of the year. One of the names that was mentioned was David. And I was dismayed when I discovered that these students could only remember David’s falling into sin. It was a great fall, and it was a grave sin, no doubt about that. But it was troubling to me that no one mentioned any of the marvelous things he had done in his life before AND after he sinned. It seemed as though his sin, in those students’ minds, erased forever all the good parts of David and reduced him to the moment when he clearly made one of the worst (most stupid) decisions in his life.

Think back to a day when you did something really stupid. Something that went against all you ever were in your life. Something that, perhaps, changed the entire course of your life. I’ll be more personal here. I grew up as a pensive little girl who always knew I was somehow “different” from the other members of my family. I have a hunch that I might have had ADHD or something like that. Regardless of what it was, I struggled with debilitating headaches and the melancholy that often accompanies them. I never felt like I was good enough. Ever. Despite that, I lived the most moral life I could. I didn’t cheat, I tried very hard not to lie, I tried to be nice to other people. I never drank or smoked or did drugs.

I had a bit of a reputation for being pretty “straight,” as we called it back then. And I was judgmental. I remember going to a football game at my high school. I imagine it was Homecoming the year I was in college. I was sitting with my boyfriend of about five months. He had been my best friend even longer than that. He got up to go to the concession stand and returned with a soda. I asked him what it was. He said it was a Coke. I have no idea why, but I was appalled. I called him…shudder…a “fool.” (The whole Coke = bad for Mormons thing.) He most likely forgot about this years ago, but it has haunted me for 32 years.

I saw in my future a day when I would be worthy to be married in the temple to a wonderful returned missionary. We would have five or six awesome kids. I would learn to be a great homemaker, and I would bring joy to my loved ones as I served them. I really saw this as my future. And I knew that my children would always be awesome because my future husband and I would raise them "right."

I know Heavenly Father would never cause us to sin, but I absolutely believe that one of the very important reasons he gave us Agency is to ALLOW us to sin, because through sin we learn our most important lessons. When I was 19, I had the most unexpected fall from grace, and I still can’t explain it. It was my fault. No one forced me, but it was really stupid. Because of that, one of my favorite shows of all time is “Quantum Leap,” because I know exactly to which moment I would want to go back to “fix” my life and get it back on the track that I felt I was supposed to follow.

Ah, but then I think, would I like the person I became had I not taken that huge stumble? See, while it was a huge blow to my self-esteem (which had always been very low), discovering that I could…and would…sin opened me up to a place where I could take that judgmental part of me and lay it aside. The scales had fallen from my eyes, and I saw others more like they would want to be seen. later, as I heard stories of young couples “having” to get married, I listened to my peers gossip about how disgusted they were by those young couples, but I would see something different. I would see young people who had been human but who had subsequently taken up the reins of responsibility and made a choice that would bless lives. I saw young people who had a battle ahead of them as they tried to become worthy again to attend the temple.

We had a long talk with one of our children last night about Agency. I talked about how much I dislike the coupling of that word with the word “free,” because there really is no such thing as Free Agency. Now, there is Agency that allows us the freedom to choose for ourselves in all things, but we are NOT free of the consequences of those choices, good or bad. And then there’s the fact that sometimes we suffer the consequences, good or bad, of OTHER people’s freely chosen decisions. Doesn’t seem fair, but there it is.

I have certainly not lived a blameless life. But in the 30 years since I fell down, I picked myself up, dusted myself off…time and time again as I slipped up here or slipped up there….and planted my feet back on the path that I felt was the right path…the moral path. I even made the same grievous error again, but under completely different circumstances. But I have always tried to be kind, to NOT be judgmental, to give others the benefit of a doubt. Sometimes that kicks me in the teeth. Heck, even literally, in fact.

Most of all I remain humble, recognizing in myself the weakness of human failings. But it is a struggle not to ask “why me?” “How long do I have to be punished for my sins?” But stepping back a little, I recognize that it is not the Lord “punishing” me. In some cases I still feel the consequences of my actions, and in other cases, especially long after I have repented and been forgiven, I recognize that the consequences I feel are those resulting from someone else’s choice to judge ME.

Another person in my family confided in me the other day that efforts had been made, strenuously, to draw this person into the web of hate and lies that has collapsed my life. The argument? Because of my sin when I was 19 years old. That sin for which I had taken responsibility, repented, and absolutely been forgiven by the Lord and by anyone whose RIGHT it was to forgive me. Lapses in judgment in various areas of my life since then are liberally interspersed with religious (hahaha, get it?) efforts to live the life that I know is right. You know, like a normal person's life.

I know I am a good person. A good HUMAN person. My sins are between me and my Father in Heaven. And when they need outside intervention, they are between me and my Father in Heaven and my bishop. They are no one else’s business. I’m smart enough to know when it IS someone else’s business, and then I take it up with that person or persons.

I love deeply. I like deeply. I care about how others feel. I weigh every word I say, trying not to judge or hurt. When I get angry and speak out of turn, it hurts in my gut, and I can’t sleep until I’ve asked forgiveness of the poor victim. Anyone who really knows me knows that it is so important to me that others like me. And now I see that at the very heart of my most hurtful life experience has been “loved” ones who see me arrested in time at some of the worst moments of my life. One person who will not be named actually told me that she couldn't understand why my first husband didn't hit me sooner because she didn't like the way I talked to her. I could live my life as though I were Mother Teresa, and it would be all for naught. If it were strangers who felt this way about me or just people I know in my world, I could certainly live with that. But it is the very people who should love me and who won’t rest till all of my family turns against me that torture my every waking moment with their judgment and opinion.

The irony of WHAT these people find so heinous in my life, considering mistakes in their own lives, would be humorous if it were happening in a TV show. But because I have always held out a hand to my friends and family despite their own stumbles, even the ones that were actually AGAINST me, this cuts me to the very core.

Ask yourself this question: Are you without sin? Have you lived a life free of hurting others? Have you passed through your life so far without shooting yourself in the foot, thus hampering your own progress along the path you felt was the right one? Regardless of your answer, ask yourself another question. Whose right is it to forever hold those things against you? That’s right….NO ONE. Because even God won’t forever hold against you the things for which you repent. And NOT forgiving is the greater sin.

And let’s take it a step further. Ask yourself: Against whom do you hold a grudge? Why? Is it right for you to hold that grudge? Even further, do you hold a grudge over something that is simply none of your business but is personal for another person altogether? And then, who suffers from your grudge, really?

Please do what I plan to do even more than I have tried to do my whole life….forgive others. You may not think they deserve it. But you don’t have the right to think that. We all deserve to be forgiven. And when we hurt because we ourselves have sinned, how much is it worth to have someone else compassionately hold out a hand just to let us know that our pain is understood, and we will find love, not judgment?

I have many friends and acquaintances whose lifestyles differ greatly from mine. Some of them have been raised to believe the things I believe, and others have not. Regardless, it would be the greatest hypocrisy for me to turn my back on ANYone simply for the fact that their choices would not be my choices.

My husband and I have been married nearly 14 years. It's been tumultuous, but I feel we have grown closer and stronger as we have struggled through our trials. We have done and said things that have hurt each other, and we would only be harming ourselves if we didn't let those things go and truly forget. Of course, after this debacle in my life, I actually gave him leave this morning to just walk away. I realized that my life would most likely have reached this place regardless of who was walking by my side, but he sure doesn't deserve to be dragged through it with me. And you know what he did? He just smiled. And hugged me. I sure love that guy :D

Thank you for reading these words that are very cathartic to me. I continue my journey, and I recognize the truth of what my patriarchal blessing very clearly stated back when I was only 16 years old: “…it is in your nature to be obedient and keep the laws of God. There will be times when it will be difficult, for there will be temptation and trials…you have received even in your early years a testimony by the Spirit that the Gospel of Jesus of Christ is true. That testimony will carry you through all of the difficult times and trials that will come into your life.” Amen.

Let us not just believe IN Christ. Let us also BELIEVE Christ. His Atonement opened for us the opportunity to repent. Let us believe that for ourselves and, just as importantly, for others. And while we’re at it, let’s make sure we all have a good supply of Windex on hand to keep our “windows” clean so we can see each other the way we should.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:10)