Who(m) Does Depression Hurt??

Anyone ever see those commercials? They are a particular least-favorite of mine and my husband’s because we both know all too well:  It hurts everybody, but the person it hurts the most doesn’t appear to be injured.

What are some of the hurtful things we say to one another? “Calm down!” “What is WRONG with you?” “Why are you always in a bad mood?” “No matter what I do, you are always unhappy!” If you suffer with depression, you may find yourself saying those things. But if you suffer with depression, and someone important to you says any of those things TO you, it hurts more than someone else might think.

As for me, I say stupid things every day. I like to think, though, that I am pretty good by now at learning what not to say to hurt those I love because, well, it isn’t a good feeling. And when I learn something new about my missteps with my loved ones, I try to file that information in my brain so I can avoid doing that same thing in the future. The people who matter to me REALLY matter to me.

This is a particularly difficult time for me. Most likely it is exacerbated by the season. I used to love decorating for Christmas, partially because I love how it livens the house and gives it a totally different air; and partially because it has always lifted my spirits to see the decorations all about town. Many of the Christmas decorations we have in our home also remind me of people and places and things that had a great spiritual impact on me, and that is usually a good thing.

But this year I didn’t do any of the decorating. Well, except unpack one box containing the Christmas village pieces from my mom, placing the arrangement on the entryway table. I have been listening to Christmas hymns (I just can’t stomach the secular Christmas songs this year), and that has been beautiful and peaceful. I made two batches of cookies early in the month for a church Christmas party. I think I’ll make another batch today, but they won’t be anything fancy. Everything is an effort.

Nothing under the tree. Likely won’t be, especially because the attorneys who owe me money for transcripts at this late date haven’t come through. Bummer. Frankly, the thought of struggling through crowded stores and streets does not even sound the least bit enticing. Well, to be fair, those things NEVER sound enticing. 

I spent all of November listing at least one thing a day for which I am grateful. I am happy to say that I never had a bit of trouble thinking of something for each day. I have much for which I am very thankful. I know I am blessed. In fact, intellectually, I know that my blessings far exceed those of many in our world, and I appreciate my position in life. Many of the troubles in our temporal station have a lot to do with being particularly poor (no pun intended) with money. And take note that depression is not the same thing as wallowing in self-pity or having a bad attitude. I am medicated for my depression. I know the things I should do, many of which I try to do to lift my spirits.

But here’s the thing for the unenlightened:  True depression is not a mood that can be lifted. It doesn’t make sense to anyone but the depressed. Bracing comments or “helpful” suggestions, really are neither bracing nor helpful. For me, those comments and suggestions exacerbate the feelings of self-doubt and failure that crowd around me at my lowest moments. And they are jealous companions and redouble their efforts when they feel threatened by the cheerfulness of others.

Oh, and cheerfulness, I have that in abundance. I wake up in the morning and almost always feel great. I sometimes have a headache, but the morning is a new beginning, and I wake up feeling eager to give it another go. I am a positive person who sees the good in everyone. 

And therein lies the rub. No, I’m not in a “bad mood.” No, I’m not “hormonal.” I experience those things as often as everyone else, and I know the difference. In fact, they remind me of my migraines. I have a headache almost every.single.day. It’s been that way since I was about 11. Most of those headaches are livable. I take Excedrin at least once every day, with my vitamins. Every time I try to wean myself, I make it about a month or two before I get one of the other kind of headaches:  The kind that makes my glasses hurt my nose. The kind that makes my eyes ache (even more than they usually do because I have chronically dry eyes). The kind that lasts about 3-4 days, causing me to pop over-the-counter pills until the ache in my stomach distracts me a little from the ache in my head. But then there are my migraines. One day my eyes were “wigging out,” as I describe it. I have this symptom often, and it’s just plain annoying. I can’t think, and I can’t stand being in a room lit with fluorescent lighting (like, say, our courtroom!) I sometimes feel nauseated. But the pain is minimal, at worst. And then it dawned on me:  THAT is how I have a migraine. My “regular” headaches are so much more painful than my migraines that I actually feel relief when I “only” have a migraine. Now, I know that there are many, many migraine sufferers out there, and this is by no means a description of how everyone experiences them, but this is how it is for me.

And that is how it feels when I am in a bad mood or hormonal. I know when I am just irritable. I know when I am in a place in my cycle where my hormones are out of whack. I try to act appropriately so I don’t take those feelings out on my family or friends. It’s not too hard because, compared to depression, those feelings are very manageable and don’t feel so overwhelming that I just want to give up.

I work in Church with kids, something I describe as the best calling I never wanted. It is both exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. Exhilarating because there is such a joy in working with these sweet kids. Excruciating because being in their presence is a constant reminder of all the things that I wish I could forget because they bring me pain. Yeah, life is so like that. All the time.

So who(m) does depression hurt? It hurts everyone. And it crushes the depressed.

All that said, I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Even this very, very depressed gal knows that Christ lives, that He knows me and how I feel. I know that this, too, shall pass, and things will be right again, even if only temporarily.

In fact, one of my favorite phrases is scattered all through the Book of Mormon:  “And it came to pass….” Which means it did not “come to stay.” I am so glad. It is the one thing that lets me lie down at night, knowing things will feel at least a little better in the morning. Some of those mornings I will wake up feeling better, and the feeling will last longer than breakfast. I live for those times.