“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
As I wrote an e-mail to someone recently, attempting to shed some light on a situation, I bore testimony of the things I had learned from the trial I’ve been enduring for the past several years. It has been an amazingly spiritual journey, and while I wouldn’t wish this trial on ANYone, I believe I have grown more in this time period than in any other period of my life. Believe me, I would MUCH rather do the growing without all the pain, but such is life.
But I digress. When I bore testimony, I had just completed reading the entire Book of Mormon, and I was on a bit of a spiritual high. It was a fantastic experience, and I have never felt more close to my Heavenly Father. Some of the verses really called out to me, and I chose to quote those scriptures in my writing to this “someone.” In response I received a snarky reply that indicated this person felt I was trying to show I was smarter than he. He believed my quoting of scriptures was meant to be some kind of negative thing. I was flabbergasted.
But I should have considered from whence it came. When some people develop opinions of others, no matter what evidence they later receive to the contrary, their opinions are never changed. And it happens very often that those opinions were either formed in error or based on isolated incidents having no bearing on reality. Am I guilty of that? I'll bet I have done that in my life, and I resolve to take stock of how I view others from now on.
I have discovered that the cancer that has taken over my life (in case you are suddenly alarmed...bless you!....and don’t worry, I don’t mean the kind that is physical and will take my life) has grown much deeper than I realized. It has taken root in the very core of my Eternal Body (the family) and has proven itself to be resistant to all treatment. I have prayed and fasted and even had blessings, yet it continues to grow, destroying parts of said body as it does so. I have tried to reason with it. I have tried to explain to it how it is destroying Innocence and Loyalty, and it is unwilling to listen.
So no matter that I clearly felt the influence of the Spirit with me as I penned my testimony, it was to no avail. The recipient did not read my words that way but instead chose to read them through the veil of doubt and darkness.
Hate is a harsh word. Everyone knows its meaning is, but even the sound of the word, so short and bitter, hurts to hear. And hate is, truly, very close to love. How often do we truly feel real hate (or close to it) for those we didn’t at one time love? Sure, there’s the “I hate Hitler and all he stood for” kind of hate, but I mean Hate. The kind I see whenever I go to Domestic Relations court and see couples battling over the most minute details of the life they once shared, the children they bore together. Having been through it myself, I still wonder, why does it happen that way?
I know that the scriptures tell us that Satan’s existence is entirely spent on trying to destroy the Church of his archenemy, Jesus Christ. And what is the smallest unit of the Church? That’s right, it’s the family. I believe that Satan laughs when he sees family members despitefully use one another, becoming enemies instead of Eternal partners in Father’s family.
In many families, even my own childhood family, there are people who are less agreeable than others. But I have seen most of my life that we tend to tolerate those people because they are loved by those WE love. Doesn’t everyone have an uncle like that? I think I had two :D My poor mom had a stepmother who made Cinderella’s seem like a dream! She was a horrid, vindictive woman who made my mom cry every time we went to visit. But visit we did, because we wanted to see my grandfather. It didn’t seem to occur to anybody that we should NOT go or that we should tell my grandfather that we wanted nothing to do with him unless he left his wife. I never realized then what a gift that was…to him and to us.
In my own life I was married to a man who wanted to show love for his wife and children, but he was incapable of controlling himself, and regrettably, I finally had to end that marriage. The man I married in 1997 is my best friend. Not everyone likes him, but he is just an imperfect guy (like my dad!) who does love his family. And my family. He has worked tirelessly with my oldest son and has finally been rewarded with grudging respect and even love for and from this same son. And here I thought that son was lost to me forever :D Of course, he quickly contracted the same "cancer," and is on the outside, with me....
Seriously, though, it’s almost embarrassing how textbook this stepfamily is. Stepdad has a hard time really understanding the stepkids, and stepkids all have some delusion that he is some kind of monster who probably eats baby brains in his lair under the house. Nothing he does….No.Thing….is good enough. They’ve even transferred their disdain for their violent father (that’s easy when their father is deceased) to their stepdad. Just because they can. And because I won't turn away from him, it has been determined that I am blind and ignoring his misdeeds. Um, no, I'm not that kind of person. Thanks, but I'm totally not interested in that drama!
I have seen a beautiful young mother become so consumed with anger and Hate that she cannot see past it, cannot imagine setting it aside. Because she is so blind, she has taken the entire structure of my Eternal Family and ripped out the guts and is currently eviscerating the remains. She started with what she felt was a bona fide grievance. But when apologies were offered to her and not accepted, she began to spread the cancer to other Members of the Body, inexplicably drawing all to her cause, despite the best treatments I could find to stop the progress.
Okay, that’s sounding as dour as many of my entries have been while I’ve gone through this experience. Thank you for staying with me so far. Because the Lord has greatly blessed me.
Today I was privileged to attend Stake Conference. The talks were amazing; as is often the case, they were meant for me. And I offloaded my hard-earned anger and defensiveness. True, no one offered me the way to get my family back, but I learned that if I strive to do my Father’s will and work every day to be more worthy of his blessings, all things will be restored one day. One day. Maybe not in “life’s little day,” but surely in the timeline of my Father in Heaven. Who I was also reminded today loves me and knows me and desires to hold me when I am at my lowest points. All he wants me to do is to LOVE those who have hurt me. To pray for them and wish the very best for them. To forgive them for plotting behind my back to tear my loved ones from my arms. And you know what? I can do that. It will be a process, but I feel better already. Even while I know it’s going to continue to unravel, and I will lose more before I regain anything, I am not alone, and I am doing the right thing.
So I will thank my sweetheart for trying to hold it all together and trying to make others see how they have been led astray...finally to simply begging my loved ones to see that I am in agony and that I need them...and I will tell him that it is our job to LOVE [our estranged family], bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us].
I know that God lives. I know that Jesus is the Christ, my Savior. I know that Jesus has felt all this pain and far more, and he did so voluntarily. I will endeavor to no longer ask, “Why me?” and instead open my eyes to those around me and give them what has been rejected by others: My love and tolerance and kindness
