Christmas 2013 - From the Barksdales

Over the past few years, I (this is Tracy) haven’t felt the least bit interested in writing a Christmas letter, especially after receiving a few from friends and family and realizing that their lives were moving along much more smoothly.  Who wants to read a letter filled with consternation over life’s bumps?

2013, though, has been a positive new beginning for us, for the most part.  2012 was really, really tough.  We learned early in the year that our landlord was going to file bankruptcy and would lose our home in foreclosure.  The good news was that we didn’t pay rent most of the year; the bad news is that my work dropped significantly (along with the nation’s economy), which means that the only reason we were able to get through the year was that we didn’t have to pay rent.  Unfortunately, that means we were practically broke by December and had NOTHING saved to move.

We looked extensively but never found another place in our area, and with all the issues arising with my job in the DC area, we decided it was time to move back West, where I could find an officialship (working in court), and we would be closer to family.  Trust me, you don’t know how much you miss your family until they are out of reach!

In the beginning of January I was offered an officialship in Twin Falls, Idaho.  I’ve never lived in Idaho, and I honestly can’t remember whether I’ve ever been in Twin Falls, but it couldn’t be TOO horrible, right? We did some backbreaking, lightning-speed packing and still had the unfortunate experience of being ill prepared when our wonderful ward members helped us more than we have ever needed before.  We had to leave a LOT behind (mostly my stuff because that’s how we moms roll).

We left our home in Fredericksburg January 12^th – it was 70 degrees.  When we arrived in Twin Falls, it was 14 degrees.  Yes, nine days later we had experienced a 56-degree drop in our TEMPoral surroundings!!

We somehow managed to make it safely across the country, only affording it with the generous help of Mom and Dad Barksdale.  We made a stop to visit with my Aunt Cheryl, Uncle Floyd, and Grandma Osborn (who turned 93 the 17^th of this month!) It was a brief but wonderful visit.

We moved into a house sight unseen, which was also good news/bad news.  The good news is the house is very nice and is in a very nice area.  The bad news?  The landlady didn’t tell us she was having financial difficulties, and as early as May we learned that our tenancy may be in jeopardy.  The end of June we learned, despite two months of assurances that all was well with the mortgage, we no longer needed to pay rent.  I will spare you the litany of disasters that followed that announcement other than to say that today we are STILL looking for a new place.  We secured and then lost two different houses in the intervening months.  There are few homes that fit our criteria (location, size) and even fewer that do not say NO SMOKING/PETS!!

We have learned, though, that the Lord’s got this.  We try to exercise patience and to not let despair get in the way.  Because THAT is what 2013 has really given us.  We knew we needed to come “home,” and we knew this was the right opportunity for me, careerwise.  And we were right.  I love my job; love my judge and coworkers.  And even though it’s a bit isolated, and it’s been a rocky road, I have to admit we love Twin.  Who would have thought that a dry, tree-less (virtually) spot in the high desert would be beautiful? Oh, but it is! We have the most gorgeous skies a lot of the time, and when it snows, we often have breathtakingly beautiful sunny days where the sun makes the snow glisten as if it is covered with diamonds.

Darryl has been working feverishly on depotools.com, an internet-based management system for court reporters, deposition firms, and lawyers who work with court reporters.  We have high hopes for its success.  I sat down the other day so he could give me a “tour,” and even though I know he’s brilliant, I was still blown away by his work.  He also had the opportunity this summer to fly back to Maryland and New York to do a photo shoot for Marriott.  His cooking at home is fattening up his family, but we’ll forgive him, because he outdoes himself with every meal. He has loved being close enough to his grandbabies that we have been down to Utah three or four times, and he’s been able to squeeze in some grandpa time.  That does a grandpa’s heart good! And it does my heart good to watch him BE Grandpa.

Scott set aside his beloved horn when he discovered, much to everyone’s chagrin, that the musical opportunities in Twin are far inferior to any he had in Virginia.  He still loves music and has discovered that he has his daddy’s vocal talents as well as his perfect pitch (which makes the Barksdale family’s traditional off-key birthday singing painful to both my Barksdale boys J). We have been encouraging him for a while because, with his dad’s beautiful voice and Scott’s musical abilities, we figured it was pretty likely Scott would follow in Dad’s footsteps.  And we were right!  We have also encouraged Scott for years to get into debate because, well, he LOVES to debate every.single.thing.  And guess what?  After quitting band after only attending ONE day (he literally knows more about music than the instructor), he had to fill that period with something, so he selected debate. And guess who was right – again? We have seen our boy grow so much because of his experiences with debate and speech, partially because he loves the teacher and partially because Scott has found his niche and a whole new “family” to love. And his debating skills surpass our expectations.  We may be the (sorta) proud parents of an expert litigator one day.

Kristi set aside her flute for ONE semester but is eager to take it back up come January.  She has continued taking lessons via Skype, so her skill isn’t waning.  We love having musical children. For her first year of high school, since German is only offered as a DVD-type class here, both kids quit, and Kristi is now taking French.  She was worried about moving away from the friends she’s had since she was seven, but since the start of the new school year, she has found several friends who are just as fun and silly as she, and her bubbly personality has once again risen to the surface. As part of Young Women Excellence, where she gave an excellent talk (ask her about the “orange” joke), she also wore the skirt she made (with a little help from Mom) that was her project this year in Choice and Accountability.  The connection is learning how to make and/or alter clothing so that it is modest and WHY she chooses to be modest. The kids are required to take speech, so Kristi has the same teacher Scott has for debate (and last year’s speech class).  I think she’s a little surprised that she isn’t bad at giving speeches.  She still doesn’t love it, but her poise as she gave her YWE talk was lovely to see. She keeps insisting that she likes boys, but we forbid that till she is 35!

This summer we attended the wedding of Darryl’s daughter, Tracy, to the best guy, Chad Whitaker.  Scott and Kristi were attendants in the wedding, and Darryl was very happy to walk Tracy down the “aisle” for the ceremony.  Three of their adorable children were part of the ceremony as well.  We are all so happy for Tracy and Chad and their kids.

The kids have also enjoyed getting to know their niece, Rosalyn, Jenny’s daughter.  Roz keeps everyone on their toes.  She is very cute and very smart and accepts those things matter of factly.

My daughter, Lauren, was also married this year and lives in Kennewick with her husband, Collin Pound.

 

We were able to move Lindsay and her husband, Jake Foster, to Twin in May.  They lived in our spare room till last month, when they got their very first apartment.  They’ve been married about a year and a half, and they are sure enjoying the independence of having a home they don’t have to share with family.  Both of them are doing very well.  Jake works in asset protection at Walmart, and Lindsay, who has worked for McDonald’s for over four years, was quickly promoted first to crew trainer and then quickly to shift manager, where she seems to be thriving.  It is fun to go to McD’s and watch her work.

Aaron is still in Virginia, which was hard for all of us (mostly Mom), but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for Aaron.  Because we were leaving the area, he found a home in Fredericksburg before we left, so he’s been on his own about a year now.  It hasn’t all been easy, especially since, until just recently, he not only didn’t have a car, but he didn’t even have his driver’s license.  Now he has both, and between that and the fact that he has surprised all of us – especially himself – he is a fantastic salesman for Staples.  He rose from being a temporary hire in August 2012 for the back-to-school rush to being the go-to guy for their entire tech department, and he has topped the region several times for total sales.  The region comprises Virginia; Maryland; Washington, DC; and Delaware.  But he misses the family, and we all miss him.  We are also very proud of all he’s accomplished.

Okay, it’s my turn.  As I said, I love my job.  Darryl and I had a “meeting” in December last year to outline the issues that were causing us so much trouble.  Almost every one of those issues has been met by my taking this officialship, so we both feel much less stress than we did then.  I miss Virginia (though I sure didn’t miss it this summer!), and it’s weird not being in and around DC, but since Twin Falls is really a lot closer to the size of the town I lived in when I was in high school, I feel pretty comfortable here. I really love my court family.  Having worked with many judges in the past 21 years, I am especially blessed to be able to work now for a judge who is kind to everyone, though he tries to appear curmudgeonly, and it is truly a pleasure to write what he says.  Many judges feel the position gives them freedom to be rude and overbearing; not this one, though!

The sadness close to my heart colors my Christmas, but I am so very grateful for the loved ones I have who fill my life with laughter and happy tears.  These are good people, well worth the time to know and love.  I know that my life would be unimaginably desolate without them.

As this year draws to a close, we wish you all the best.  May you all enjoy health, happiness, and prosperity.  May you feel the loving hand of Heavenly Father in your lives.  We love you all and think of you often.

Love, the Barksdales – Darryl, Tracy, Scott, Kristina

Dorothy's Red Shoes

Our perplexing summer has truly ended.  We’ve known since June that we were going to have to move because our landlady finally admitted that she wasn’t able to pay the mortgage and is scrambling to sell the house before it is foreclosed.

We found one house that we really liked.  It is downtown, almost 3,000 square feet, and simply beautiful.  Because it’s downtown, it’s about three blocks from where I work, which was an unexpected turn of events.  Alas, that didn’t work out, and we ended up not moving there.  Looking back, I’m glad.  There were parts of the house I didn’t love (like no bathroom in the master bedroom and only that one shower.  Again), and it would have been a huge financial undertaking for us because we were going to enter an agreement to purchase the house within two years. 

In the meantime, we have just found very little that would fit our family and our situation. There isn’t a huge rental market in Twin Falls, at least not for houses with at least three bedrooms.  And then when they ARE available, most times they refuse to rent to pet owners :(

And then our landlady tried to evict us, claiming we owed her back rent and our deposit and late fees.  This is for rent she told us not to pay and a deposit she returned voluntarily.  It took over two weeks, but the judge finally found in our favor, giving us a little breathing room as we continued looking for a place to move.

In the meantime, Jake and Lindsay have been looking for an apartment that is relatively close to where each of them works.  We’re all excited for them because they’ve never lived alone in their year and a half of marriage.

So last week I found a house that sounded like a possibility, three bedrooms, two baths, 1,500 square feet, and actually in our current ward.  I emailed the property manager, and she gave me the address.  That’s when I realized it was being listed as a furnished rental.  Darryl and I went to look at it the other day and simply fell in love.  It would be hard for the furniture NOT to be better than ours, so that’s a plus.  The home is older, but it was fully remodeled inside and is stunning.  The backyard is VERY large and very inviting.  It has a huge hot tub that is covered and has little white Christmas lights strung up on the ceiling.  The deck is huge and has a great barbecue and lawn furniture.  There’s even a garden space. Darryl is excited to put the workshop to use as a photo studio.  It is attached to the garage.  He’s always wanted such a space.  I hope that he’s able to use it and expand his photography to a viable business.

Long story short, we got the final word today that the house is ours, and hopefully we will be able to buy it in a little while.

Sunday I was called to be a Sunday School teacher to the youth.  I’ve missed that calling so much.  I’m teaching younger kids than I had before, but I am eager to get back into it.  And the idea of leaving the ward after receiving this calling made me sad, so now I don’t have to worry about that :D

Yes, what everyone has said turned out to be 200% true:  When the Lord was ready, He would provide us an opportunity that fit us perfectly.  I think we found it <3

Editor's Note (12-24-2013) - One week later, after signing the lease, and as we prepared to get the money over to the landlady, we learned that the house was sold, and we were no longer able to rent it :(

October Skies

October is a loaded month in my world.  I lost my first grandparent (my maternal grandfather) on the 1st; my mom’s birthday is the 3^rd; my brother’s is the 6^th, today; my nephew’s is the 12^th; my daughter’s is the 24^th;my stepdaughter’s is the 26^th and her daughter’s is the 25^th…or is it the other way around? my brother who died as an infant was born 50 years ago this coming October 28^th; and my aunt’s birthday is the 30^th, which is also the anniversary of my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  All of this has led me to be contemplative, which makes me want to write; hence, the name of his blog.

My heart is especially full after watching General Conference today and yesterday as well as watching the Relief Society broadcast last weekend.  I am so spiritually fed that I wonder whether there’s enough room to hold it, and yet, I know there is.

Let me count my blessings:

October 1 - I am grateful to have had four living grandparents into my adulthood.  Three of them have now passed away, but even at my advanced age, I am blessed to be the proud granddaughter of an awesome living grandmother.

October 3 – I am so glad my mom is still alive and that she could turn 73.  She has survived a lot of sorrow in her life:  Losing her second child, her husband, and both of her parents.  She has also survived several physical ailments, including breast cancer.

October 6 – I am glad for my brother who, in partnership with his wife, keeps a safe home for our mom to live.

October 12 – I am glad for all my nieces and nephews, even though I have rarely seen them in their lives.

October 24 – I am so glad for the beautiful young woman born to me in 1993.  She was not only unexpected, but when I found out she was on her way, I was NOT happy.  Not because I didn’t want her but because I didn’t want her father anymore.  But he’s been out of my life for a long time, and I have been blessed with a loving companion, whom I've cherished for nearly 17 years already.

October 25 & 26 – I am glad that my husband’s youngest daughter (before our two kids were born) has welcomed me into her life as an extra grandma to her adorable young daughter.  My heart aches at the loss of the grandmother-grandchild relationship with my own biological grandchildren, so I am especially mindful of this choice blessing from this particular stepdaughter as well as another whose birthday is in March but who has also welcomed me into her family.

October 28-November 8 – I am glad that my little brother who only lived for ten days was a choice spirit who was allowed to return to our Father’s presence without having to traverse the difficult journey of mortal existence.  I am glad that my parents were worthy to be chosen to be his parents and to love him during his mortal life and be hungry for him enough to know the Truth when they heard it in 1976. I am glad that since that time we have spoken of my brother as if he is still our brother, because we all know that he is.  

I am glad that our dad had his son waiting for him on the other side when he passed away.  I mentioned this at my father’s funeral.  I said, “This is likely the first case of sibling rivalry through the veil, as our deceased brother finally said, ‘You’ve had him long enough, it’s my turn now!’”  I am glad to know that Daddy has the opportunity to serve a mission on the other side of the veil with our brother as his companion.  I am glad for the knowledge of the Eternal nature of our spirits and that our family will not only be together again, but we will not bear the burdens of this life that keep us from always enjoying one another’s companionship.

October 30 – I am glad to have known my aunt since she was a teenager, being able to don a beautiful dress and curls in my hair to be her flower girl.  I am glad that she and her kind husband provide a loving and safe home for my grandmother, who will be 93 this December.  I am glad that my aunt found her kind husband and that she is happy.  I have been fortunate to be in their home a couple of times, and even thinking about it makes me tear up a bit.  Well, it’s been that kind of weekend, anyway, and I’ve been weeping so much, it’s a good thing I didn’t take the time to put on makeup.

October 30 (part deux) – I am so grateful for the events in my life that led to my baptism just after my 15^th birthday.  I was embraced into a family of several million people, most of whom I would never meet (it’s up to 15 million now!) I knew it was true when I allowed myself to hear it because I was being fed preconceived notions that didn’t even make sense to me.  It was that night that I met the wonderful man who would later be my seminary teacher and one of the best I ever had (he just died at 93).  I am grateful that I am married for Eternity to my partner and lover.  I am grateful that I am aware of my heritage as a Daughter of God.  I am grateful that He often lets me know He is aware of who I am and loves me anyway.  I am grateful for the challenges He has given me.  I am grateful for the gifts He has given me.  May I ever be worthy of his choicest blessings. And may I ever look at my trials as the blessings they can be.

So I turned 52 last month, my little brother is 49 today.  I couldn't have imagined being in my 50s one day, and now I am not sure where my life will take me next, though I am extremely happy with my job and this place in my life at this moment.  I hope to have more of it all figured out before I become so old that I can’t remember what it was that I felt I needed to know.

Why, yes, I do love bananas. Why do you ask?

This has been a time of extremes.  Of my four kids who speak to me regularly (three had better since they all live with us!), two are having wonderful success at work (including one’s spouse, who is also doing very well).  One is just rolling along, enjoying life and embracing new adventures and opportunities.  And one is in the middle of what I realize must be the toughest time (so far) in life.  Yes, yes, it really is true; moms would rather go through hard times and physical pain and suffering any day than to watch their kids go through such things.

I want to talk about mental illness.  There, I said it.  It’s not a four-letter word (obviously, it’s two words containing 13 letters). Let's call it something else.  How about mental enhancement?  yeah, I like that.  Blessedly, we live in a more enlightened time where we should understand that many, many people suffer from some form of mental enhancement.  Those people are not relegated to living in sanitariums (shouldn’t that be sanitaria?) or state hospitals.  Mental enhancement was like pregnancy.  No one in “polite society” discussed such things, and they were hidden away. 

Mental enhancement doesn’t usually look like Jack Nicholson’s experience in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” thank goodness.  It is likely that you suffer from a mental enhancement.  Or your cubicle mate.  Or your wife/husband.  Or your mom.  Or your high school English teacher.  Depression is a mental enhancement.  If you’re going to be mentally enhanced, I guess this might be the least stigmatizing.  Of course, those of us who actually do have chronic depression get all kinds of “helpful” advice from people along the lines of “when I feel down, I just make myself cheer up,” a personal favorite, or “happiness is a choice, and I just choose to be happy.”  Yeah, that’s what’s been wrong all these years.  I haven’t made good choices!

For me, I have felt so out of step with the world around me, so awkward and unaccepted (especially as a child, both at home and in school and church).  I honestly don’t remember a time where I wasn’t hiding inside my head, terrified of social contact.  No, not like people who have mental enhancements which prevent them from being able to leave their homes or be with anyone because of extreme anxiety.  For me, it was self-loathing and anxiety and the battle between a naturally cheery nature and a black depression weighing me down all.the.time. As an adult, and as I began to embrace the reality that the condition I suffer is depression (though I think I need to discover more to see whether there is anything else), I rewound my life in my head and realized that I had been depressed for all of my conscious thought for my whole life.  Heavy burden for a little girl to bear.  Heck, heavy burden for a grown woman with grandchildren to bear.  And now this grown woman has the added burden of wildly changing hormones as I traverse that special time of life.  ::sigh::

Everyone has regrets and anxiety over mistakes and past loss as well as fear of losing people and things they love.  But my regrets and anxiety ate at me year after year after year.  Being in an abusive marriage for over 14 years added to that.  I tried to balance between Church teachings that families are forever, and divorce should be avoided with the very real possibility that my children would be taken away from me because I didn’t protect them enough (Really.  I was threatened more than once.) The irony is that after suffering abuse and fear for 14 years, I finally made the decision to end the marriage FOR my children, I eventually lost three of them, all of whom now idolize their deceased father as if he was a prince among men, taken in his prime, rather than a monster who abused all of us and VOLUNTARILY took his own life.

If you have managed to get through my blog posts, you know that I am deeply hurt and torn by the behavior of some of my family members (again, not those in my home or those who still speak to me). It’s hard to see others posting pictures of their grandchildren on Facebook.  I don’t have any pictures to post.  It’s beyond wonderful to have been accepted by a couple of my husband’s children, especially since there’s a hole in my heart.  His parents and siblings have also been great to me.  It’s wonderful to see the earlier-mentioned kids creating and enjoying success in lives that, for some, didn’t have that expectation, and yet they are progressing and growing.  Wait, what’s that feeling?  Oh, yeah, I’m PROUD of them.  Not proud of myself but proud of THEM and what they have done.  And pleased that they see positive things happening.

Now don’t get all worked up.  I’m proud of my kids for what they have accomplished and know that I’m not responsible for their success, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pride for them as well as all that I have accomplished and how my life has grown because of it.

Back to my recently diagnosed child, who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, though we have a pending appointment with a psychiatrist to get more specialized attention.  Both my husband and I know that there is a hard road ahead, but at this point, our child, while grappling with the reality of this diagnosis, is eager to do what is possible to alleviate the symptoms and succeed in life.   This is such a gifted child.  I hope and pray that the potential will outweigh the disabilities.

Yesterday we had a huge scare because we were in the midst of changing meds, and our child went from being very manic to being alarmingly angry.  Just a lot of anger and profanity (no threats or physical violence), but it made us realize that we have to be careful because we don’t want to see our child lose a bright future over missteps during the early days of this diagnosis.

I constantly see effusive praise and adoration on television for anyone who has struggled with gender identity or sexual orientation.  But I’m really not seeing it for kids who know their gender identity (and it happens to match their bodies) or who are straight, especially kids with mental enhancements.  Depression, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, these are all real things that cause suffering and pain.  Please don’t throw someone away because he/she is “damaged.” Some of the most creative, wonderful people I know and love have those very same titles. 

I’m getting help, as is my husband, who also suffers from depression, but a lot of damage has been done in the past, and we marvel at how different we feel when we are being helped.  Please make sure your windows are clean and don’t hate on those whose windows are not.

My husband is amazing.  He’s talented, smart, funny, creative, and ambitious.  My child is also amazing, also talented, smart, funny, creative, and ambitious.  I couldn’t love either of them more than I do.  Well, yeah, I guess I can, because today I love them more than I did yesterday, and I’m sure I’ll love them more tomorrow.  I honestly wouldn’t change anything about them.  And you know what’s great?  Yeah, the fact that I know that I am safe with them.  

To be honest, I am also grateful for my enhancements, because as I grow older and continue to learn more about who I am and how I see the world, I gain more compassion for others.

My Heavenly Father really does know me. And just when I’m not looking, He gives me what I need to keep going.  I’m a lucky…no, blessed girl <3