What Gift Do You Crave?

There was a wedding in my family recently. I dearly wanted to be there to give my love, but I was a coward and did not attend. The most recent family event I had attended was two years ago, and it was dreadful. I knew that I didn’t have the strength to be around some of the same people and face some of the same behavior. I admit it; I am weak.

In a telephone conversation with a family member, who called about something inconsequential (just asking me a question), she told me she was away from home because she had attended the wedding, and where was I? Why wasn’t I at the wedding? I am often not completely truthful when I talk to family members. I mean, what’s the point in telling them how I feel and how much I have been hurt by the betrayal? Most of the time that would be merely self-serving. This time, though, I told her exactly why I wasn’t there, and she replied, “Oh. Well, we all have to face the consequences of our decisions.” I’ll admit I was not kind in my reply. Sometimes the doormat has to take itself out and shake off all the footprints, you know.

My decision to not be at the wedding was not because I didn’t want to celebrate the new marriage in my family or the people who celebrated it. My decision in this case was selfish; I knew that I couldn’t bear to be shunned. 

My decision to leave my first husband was hard fought. I didn’t have the support of family or the church (meaning the church couldn't make the decision for me) or friends or anyone. It was all a big secret because I supposed that being abused was a fault of my own, and I was so ashamed. One memorable comment from a family member was, “I can’t believe [first husband] didn’t start beating you sooner!” When I was threatened by DHW that my children would be taken away if I didn’t protect them from abuse, I gathered my courage and finally did it. Nothing was easy about that. It didn’t get any easier. It is still not easy.

My decision to take a chance and meet in person the man I had met on line – a new, scary place where people tended to keep themselves to themselves – and listen to his recitation of loss and failure that he had experienced and still not be frightened away was one that my Heavenly Father supported. He didn’t tell me it would be easy. 

And it hasn’t been easy. It has been a rough road. Every boy or man with whom I’d ever had a relationship was not well liked by my family. The vast emotional wealth I have received because of this decision cannot be counted. The enormity of my loss because of this decision is immeasurable. And by aligning himself with me, my husband has suffered more loss of his own and a sense of continued failure. I am not sure whether he has been as blessed as I have by our marriage. In him I gained a best friend. I would still rather spend time with him over any other activity that comes to mind.

My decision to marry this man I had known for a mere 10 weeks, later sealing that marriage in the temple, was because I knew it was right. Despite the trials, I still know it was and is right. No one – no one – has treated me so well.

My decision to accept the strength he offered to try and help corral my kids and maintain some order in our family was mostly based on sheer exhaustion and relief on my part. I feel so guilty about that because I know how much it cost him, and rather than being thanked for it, he has been reviled, and he has watched me lose so much, ostensibly because of him. He blames himself; I do not.

My decision to fight through the low points of our marriage was based on my knowledge that marriage can be Eternal. Family can be Eternal. I knew this was that marriage, that family for me. Had I known how hard it would be, would I have stayed? Would I rather have run away? Created a new life? I’m not saying.

My decision to remove the viper in our nest was and will always haunt me as one of the hardest decisions in my life, but it was a necessity to prevent the poison from hurting those I love the very most. It wasn't done out of spite. It was done out of a place of pain. I punish myself for it every day, even knowing I had no real choice.

My decision to forgive was a hard one, but it was necessary for me to have any peace and forgiveness of my own. I have to work at forgiveness every single day. It’s not always the same person in need of my forgiveness, nor is it always someone other than myself who needs that forgiveness. I rarely tell anyone that I have forgiven; some because they don’t need to know the pettiness of my own thoughts that are the real culprit that must be forgiven, some because they have chosen to take another path in regard to me, and forgiveness is not on the table from them. I strive to keep that forgiveness and softness in my heart because these are people I love, regardless.

My decision to pray for sweetness in my life is because I know so much of bitterness. I pray to have opportunities to reach out and love others to not only help fill my own void but help fill the voids of others that I can’t even see.

One day I hope to have a knock on the door that brings to me all that I have lost or been denied at this stage in my life. I continue to pray for strength and for a heart so filled with love that I cannot find room for bitterness or anger.