This week has brought some welcomed experiences for me. First, I received in the mail the family
Bible belonging to my fourth great grandmother, who was born in 1823 and
married in 1838. The Bible had been
entrusted to a family with the same last name as that particular great
grandmother, although the recipients weren’t actually related, and the person
who sent me the Bible has been looking for a direct descendant to whom to gift
the Bible. Because she saw on Ancestry.com
that I am a direct descendant, she contacted me. In addition to how cool it is to own something
so old that once belonged to someone in my family, I have picked up some
information about people in my family tree of whom I’d never heard (likely
because they died as children, so they have no descendants) and correct
information I had earlier been given incorrectly.
The other welcomed experience was being contacted by a
cousin of my father. She is only 8 ½ years
older than I, and I have vague memories of her and her siblings from when I was
growing up, but by the time I was old enough to remember, they were scary
teenagers, so we didn’t keep in contact.
I was very happy to be contacted and to have another piece of my
fragmented family put in place.
And that brings me to what has been preying on my mind this
week. There are so many fractures in my
family. It’s nothing new to this
generation of our family. It has been
something that has plagued us for generations.
And isn’t that heartbreaking?
Dabbling in genealogy as I have has cleared up some
mysteries for me, and sometimes I wonder how it is that our family even
survived long enough to procreate. Crazy
stuff. Alas, very little tolerance for
one another’s weaknesses. Blessedly,
though, I feel more compassion than I ever expected for those who were
struggling through various issues and lost so much. And I feel respect and love even for those
who did a lot of the damage. In fact,
some of my favorite people who have been alive in my lifetime were probably
more responsible than they’d care to be remembered.
So what are my weaknesses?
Bear in mind, I’m trying not to make this the very long narrative I am
capable of typing. As I talked with my
Sweetie last night about some concerns I’ve had with how to relate to some of
our kids, he gave me insight and wisdom that was just what I needed to take a
deep breath and keep on trying. I didn’t
realize until last night (and I didn’t share this with him at the time), but it
appears I am still bearing the scars of abuse and still want to throw my hands
in the air and give up as soon as conflict arises. I’ve been leading with hurt feelings. It’s true what I said recently: Motherhood (heck, parenthood) is not for the
faint of heart!
I once knew a person who, as I heard it, was unrepentant in
this person’s behavior that ultimately eroded the marriage, despite this person’s
spouse’s continued pleading to keep the family together. And don’t anyone who reads this think I’m
talking about YOU because I just realized I know a few people who would fit
that vague description. I’m not writing
it to judge, I promise. Life’s
hard. We all do stupid things. We all hurt people. What my comment was leading to was that the
person in question is now unhappy because, after the failure of the marriage,
the former spouse has found real love and seems happier than I could
imagine. But the ex is outraged at the
happiness of the former spouse, as if that is somehow anything of the ex’s
concern.
My Facebook post today:
“A thought I've had recently - my first marriage
was pretty awful. I tried, I really did. But the issues were finally just too
much to bear. When my ex became involved with someone new, I wasn't upset in
the least. I hoped he would do better with someone new, someone who had the
tools I didn't. Alas, I later learned she was a serial bride who was extremely
toxic. But that made me sad, not jealous. And
it didn't end at all well for him. It's a real head scratcher for me when
someone walks away from a marriage for whatever reason but continues to pile on
hate and rage, especially when she/he sees the ex has found a new mate who is a
better fit. Why begrudge someone you've come to realize isn't for you if he/she
has some happiness? Seeing that person be miserable just isn't going to make
your life better, I promise.”
So far I haven’t been called out
on it, but trust me, if I am, I will restrain myself. Because, see, I had every reason to strongly
dislike my ex after we separated. His
continued ill treatment gave me every reason to continue to dislike him. And his ultimate suicide first shocked then
horribly saddened me, both for him and our kids. But as time went by, and I
realized that my tormentor was GONE, I recognized that my life…MY life….was
made easier by his passing. That brought
with it both relief and guilt. I have
actually been chided by someone for not speaking of him and his death in
hallowed tones. That was a person who
should be close to me and know my heart but long ago chose to bow out, so the
chiding was misplaced, though that person doesn’t know it.
If I had my way, I wouldn’t want
him to be gone. I would have loved for
him to stop tormenting me and for him to be happy and able to appreciate the happiness
that I have found, but I would also wish for him to have found what he needed
to bring him peace in his life. Because
I wish his children still had him to call Dad.
Because my dad has been gone longer, I know that, even when things in
your relationship have not always been smooth, there is forever a hole in your
heart. I watched a movie last night
where the aging father of an adult man who was facing a very low point in his
life comforted his son by holding him and just being there to sympathize. I miss that.
Every.Single.Day.
So when we are able to take our
ancestor’s names to the temple and do the work for them, sealing them to one
another, the prayer in my heart will be that they have long since mended rifts
between them and embrace one another with joy on becoming a Forever Family.
It hurts my heart to think how many of us in this world are in pain and need to be accepted and loved. That's probably why I seem to turn to this subject time and again in my blogging. Trust me, it's much better these days now that I'm on antidepressants :-/
I am so blessed. My imperfect husband and imperfect children
complete our family of imperfect people, and we are perfect…for EACH
OTHER.
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