There is Beauty All Around

One thing we hear so often from the generations who are coming of age after us is how bad things used to be and how much better they are now and will be in the future. They are absolutely right! But not completely.

I believe every generation feels this way about those who came before. That’s how we progress as a species. That is why we no longer live in caves and drink from dirty streams. That’s why we have electricity, running water, and, blessedly, AIR CONDITIONING!

Having dabbled in genealogy over the past few decades, I have come across ancestors whose actions don’t exactly fill me with pride. I mean, there are definitely some slave owners and murderers (hey, some died in the Tower of London!) I wonder, just what will my great-great-great grandchildren think about me and how I lived my life? What values and beliefs do I have that they will consider selfish or small minded or even wrong? 

Here’s the real question:  Will they simply dismiss me and want to destroy all evidence I ever existed on this earth because something I believe now is considered bad in their time? I sure hope not. I mean, I hope I really am a good person and not simply because I try to be an honorable woman according to the dictates of my conscience and the social mores of our time. Even more important:  I am NOT the person I was 40 years ago. Thank goodness. That girl was so immature and self-centered and oblivious to what was going on around me in this world.

I feel very strongly that everything that came before us is important to remember. First, we don’t want to forget the things that we now consider wrong because how will OUR descendants remember that those things were bad? We don’t want to consign our ancestors to heck because of their missteps and even wrongdoing. Thankfully, that’s not our role. They all make up who we are as humans.

I just watched a fun video of a starlet from many years ago dancing. It was such fun to watch. The people were beautiful. The costumes were lovely. The dancing was fabulous. And I had a thought:  Right then in the world that was swirling around these dancers in that day there was a lot of social injustice. There were people who suffered from discrimination, hate, deprivation, and several other bad things. But these people had something beautiful to share with the world. I am so grateful that so many things have changed, but I can’t help but long for some of the things from those “good old days.” Imagine how it would be if we were to remove all the evil and hate and terrible things from the world and fill it with every good thing from every generation that ever lived on the earth. I feel a simple peace in my heart and even joy when I imagine that.

Please keep pushing for reform and growth in our society. It is painful, but we need that. We always will, if there are humans on this earth. But slow down. Recognize the worth of every soul, past, present, and future. Open yourself to being willing to see the spark in most people. Start by seeing it in yourself. It’s there. I promise. 

The other day I was struck by the thought that I TRULY need to love those who hate me and despitefully use me. They won’t care, nor will they likely know, but relieving myself of the anger allows more room for filling myself with the spark that I will then be more able to see in those around me. Concentrating on REALLY loving those folks at least helps me to appreciate the good things they contain within them.

It’s a good day. Go out and make it a better day for someone else.

For the Love of a Potato

My grandma is almost 92 years old.  Mind you, her birthday is still five months away.  Mine is two months away, and I am holding firmly to 51 and will not be “almost 52” until the day before my birthday.  But when you reach the upper ages, you can take charge, once again, of your age and be proud of who you are WHEN you are.  At least that’s my theory.

I am the oldest person in my generation of both my father’s side and my mother’s side.  I am the oldest child, each of them is/was the oldest child.  Even though I was three when my brother was born, I can actually remember being the only one.  Honestly, though, I have always felt like the proverbial square peg.  I still do, in fact.  I shake my head so often anymore, it seems my neck is just going to split in two one of these days.

I’ll never forget the day I found out that being the square peg didn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.  I have grown up with seemingly preconceived notions that I had developed through listening (my grandma used to say, “Little pictures have big ears,” which I heard as “pitchers,” and I wondered how pitchers could have ears).  When visiting with some extended family and learning more about my life and family as it existed when I was really small, those notions seemed to shatter, and a clearer picture emerged.

I cherished through my late childhood being able to see and often visit with extended family members.  Then when I was 13 ½, that changed abruptly because of a misunderstanding that was clearly blown out of proportion and lasted for four years.  I didn’t say anything then, but even though I supported and believed what I was hearing at home, something didn’t click just right, and it always bothered me.  I still regret those missed years.

Now that I’m 51 (okay, ALMOST 52), I can see the isolation that created.  Thanks to social media, I have developed a cordial relationship with my people, and that has been salve to the wounds of hate and intolerance I’ve personally experienced from my People.  And I’ve recognized that the reason those early days of misunderstanding didn’t click right is because they WEREN’T right.  

Part Deux

Life has been hard for the past few years, both emotionally and financially.  Physically too, I should add.  Now that we’ve moved and I’ve taken on a full-time job, the emotional and physical issues have greatly improved.  Thank you, Modern Science!  Financially, while I am making a much lower salary than the income I made from time to time when we lived in Virginia, the steadiness of the paycheck and always knowing when I’ll get paid is very nice.

We really loved our last landlord in Virginia, especially after how hard it was to deal with Marine Lawyer, our previous landlord.  Our financial struggles began while living in Marine Lawyer’s house, though he saw that as a character flaw.  Nice Guy landlord was kind and generous and very concerned about making sure our home was safe and cared for.  Sadly, the economy just hit him hard, and he lost his rental homes in an effort to save the roof over his and his wife’s heads.  Being a man of integrity, though, he contacted us immediately to let us know his plight and that we were no longer to pay him rent.  We were able to live in the home several months rent free, which helped so much as my work had tanked around the same time, and we wouldn’t have been able to feed our family on what I was making if we hadn’t had the break from paying rent.  Sadly, of course, we were not able to save any money as a result.

We moved to Idaho to a home that just seemed to fall into our laps.  We have been here six months, and despite a few quirks about the place, we love it.  It’s so much nicer than our previous home, at several hundred dollars less per month.  And it’s just a nice place.  We’ve paid our rent each month on time.  We have had no issues with breaking or harming any part of the house (no easy feat when you have six people, two cats, and a huge dog living here!)

And then we find out that our landlady, despite repeated questioning and assurance that she was financially sound and on time with her payments, is facing foreclosure because she has not, in fact, paid ANY house payments since before we moved in.  And now she’s belatedly decided to sell and is breathing down our necks to “cooperate” with a Realtor so we can be booted out if/when it actually sells.  Like we did a single thing to bring about this turn of events.  ::sigh::

We had to hire an attorney, who said, “No $&*@! She said that?” We will either have till the end of September to move, during which time we will pay no rent, or we will be able to continue paying rent and live in the home till our lease ends, the end of January.

I hate moving.  No, really, I HATE moving.

We have looked at a few homes, some of which were very promising, and we just haven’t felt right about it yet.  I’m not sure if it’s just not time to move or we just haven’t found the right place, or what, but we’re not rushing to go anywhere just yet.

Our married daughter and her husband moved in with us about two months ago, so we not only want to live in a four-bedroom home, at this point we HAVE to.  And that’s fine.  Seriously, when they are ready to move out on their own, we’d like to have an extra bedroom so that in case anybody wants to visit, they can.

 

As much success as our son in Virginia is currently experiencing, he’s really feeling isolated out there all by himself.  We actually live closer to him now than the rest of the family (except for my in-laws, who are serving a mission in Georgia but will be back in Utah by Christmas).  Hopefully he’ll be able to get out here closer before too long.  I find that I really want to encourage as much quality familial relationship as possible. 

I’m babbling, I know.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I’m trying to hold onto my belief that we have experiences to help us grow and that it is important to be grateful for the challenges and what they bring.  It is not always easy to be grateful, but it is easier to deal with the trials, when we focus.

So that's how it goes in our corner.  How 'bout yours?

Say, isn't that a Glass House?

 

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”  I know I have heard that somewhere :D

I am very glad to be surrounded by people who are flawed and who make stupid mistakes all the time.  I mean, can you imagine how I’d feel if no one else was messing up but me?  I am also very glad that the Lord has blessed me with a forgiving heart because I just don’t have the time or the energy to hold on to past grievances.  I have seen some mighty efforts in others to retain their sense of outrage and hysteria, and I am so over that.  I mean, c’mon, I’m not in middle school anymore!

Mind you, I definitely get mad or hurt on a regular basis, just like everyone else.  But the embrace of a friend or loved one who has stumbled in the past and caused you pain is probably the sweetest of embraces. The hand of forgiveness that is extended even to someone who has fallen short is the most appreciated.

I am also grateful (extremely!) for the blessing of health insurance and the opportunity to take myself and family members to the doctor for check-ups and the like.  I am now taking some medication to help me with some anxiety and emotional issues, and I can certainly feel the difference.  Darryl is, as well, and I keep thinking, “What if we had just had it with one another and had turned our backs on each other because of grievances real or imagined?”  We would be missing the sweet contentment we share.

So that leads me to the reminder that I am very grateful for the wonderful man I married just over 16 years ago.  I used to think that I could never be with anyone who wasn’t, well, perfect.  Guess what?  I’m relieved to be with someone who ISN’T perfect. 

Our life has taken some interesting curves in the past four months.  I would not want to relive any of the time before then.  And I’ve learned that, despite losing some of the aspects of our daily lives that we actually liked, we are not just humming along, we’re actually thriving.

We did have a very sad event the other day.  My sweet kitty Salem was snuggling up to Darryl Sunday morning, and then he went into the kitchen to get a drink from the water dish.  In other words, after a night of fighting me for pillow domination, he was acting perfectly normal.  And then when I went into the kitchen to let Sadie in, I realized he was just lying on the floor and not even flinching when Sadie stuck her nose in his face.  He had just dropped dead.  I’ll bet he was even more surprised than we were!

On the brighter side, Darryl was able to get to Washington yesterday, where he picked up Lindsay and her husband Jake and moved them here with us.  They are now occupying our guest room.  We’re eager to help them get on their feet and eventually be ready to start life on their own in their “own” place.

And that is exactly what I want from my life:  To be in a position to be able to help our kids who need an extra hand.  Heaven knows we have needed help from time to time, and we will never stop feeling gratitude to those who have been there for us.

And the reason for the beginning of this post is learning (again) that some people I love spend a LOT of time discussing and passing judgment on people they should love rather than just loving…forgiving…and supporting those loved ones.  But at least they are perfect, right? ;D

Eternal Life - Life in God's Way and in God's Time

I just read my last blog entry and find it hard to believe how much can change in a relatively short period of time. Since then, not only did Aaron return to school, but he successfully graduated and is currently looking for work. He’s at home again, but things are peaceful, at least for now. We were able to keep our car hanging on until we had the money to replace it. Seriously, literally the day the car died, we were in the process of buying another one, so that drama is part of our past. And money, well, guess what? Our landlord declared bankruptcy, and we haven’t paid rent since January, which has made a huge difference. My work has also picked up, so we are feeling very blessed. Coincidence? I think not :D

Now I’m in Washington for my daughter’s wedding/sealing on Friday. Very expensive but very worthwhile venture. Oh, so many feelings. We have been anxiously preparing for this week so that we could participate. And here we are. Well, here *I* are…I mean am. Darryl will be here in a few days. He’s snatching the opportunity to spend time with his family in Utah before coming here to be swept up in the drama of my family. I’m so glad he’s getting the chance to do this. I know that his heart is with his parents, his kids, and grandbabies, and it is a balm to the soul to see them. Or so I hear. I haven’t had that balm yet, but one day I will. I mean, I am sure that I would be welcomed around Darryl’s grandbabies, but I haven’t yet had the chance to do so because I was sick for a few hours the only time any of them were around, so I hid in a bedroom to keep from sharing. And my grandbabies, well….

As 2011 drew to a close, my heart, ever drawing closer to my Heavenly Father, yearned to return to His temple to partake of the Spirit there. It seems ludicrous now to realize that while I was the most distraught, I didn’t seek that place and that amazing Spirit, but that’s how it worked out. And just as any precious prize, I feared that it would somehow be withheld. But that’s not how it happened. The compassion and love of my priesthood leaders were waiting for me to be ready, and ready I was. And am.

Friday was a bit of a nightmare, as I had expected, although I am pleased to say that I suffered it all with good grace. 19+ years as a court reporter has taught me that helpful skill. Most of the day was spent in a flying tin can, filled to capacity, hungry and tired. But when I landed in Pasco, Washington, I was soon reunited with my daughter who is getting married this coming Friday.

She’s not the same person I knew. I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half, and our parting was heart rending. Now she’s a young lady who has found love, who feels supported and loved by that love. Much has happened to each of us in the intervening months, and her sneaking up behind me in the airport and putting her arms around me soothed my heart more than she probably knows. I have finally come to understand…or maybe I’m still learning it and haven’t completely fathomed it…what it really means to be an Eternal Family.

I have a friend who has a large family of children, each of whom has followed the hoped-for path of going on to church-owned universities, missions, and temple marriage. I know more about her life to realize that, of course, her life is not perfect and contains many sad and/or fearful moments, but how I have envied her the path her children have chosen. Some of mine have chosen more scenic routes. Some have chosen the path I’d hoped but chose not to take me along. Some are still wandering.

But yesterday I truly glimpsed it, that Eternal Family thingy. I watched a daughter receive her own endowments, with my mother sitting on her other side, three generations of one family united for those few hours in a holy sacrament. I am sure that both my dad and my daughter’s dad were seated nearby watching and rejoicing in that experience with us.

When we initially entered the temple yesterday, I walked about five feet in, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the Spirit, stronger than I have felt in a long time. I fully expected to see it, as well. And I realize that that’s what it’s supposed to be…and one day WILL be like. Holy and sacred bonds are formed within those walls, and Heavenly Father is most certainly not an absentee Father.

As I told my bishop the other day, as he interviewed me before I received my temple recommend, I don’t know that my entire family will ever be united again in THIS life, but I have faith that it will be at least in the next. I’m trying to teach those who will listen how important it is to love and forgive and forgive and forgive and love, especially those who hurt us or abuse us or annoy us. It is important to see these people with an Eternal perspective, to see them as the Heavenly beings they once were and one day will be again. Yes, even those for whom that picture is most obscured.

Every day I try to get better at something, be a little more patient, a little more kind, a little more empathetic, and I am beginning to feel a swelling in my soul that seems to make those efforts even easier and more desirable.

I know these things are true. I feel as though I have been given a very special gift to see things very clearly, and I am going to keep my eyes…and heart…open so I don’t miss a thing!

Of Pancakes and Brake Pads

(Scott's photo of one of the trees in our yard)

The dust has settled. We are in our new home, smaller, more intimate and cozy, and $600 cheaper :D It’ll probably be months before we find everything. Our garage is detached (and it’s HUGE!), which requires an internal discussion before we head out there for any reason. We’re already rethinking the decision to put the extra fridge and upright freezer out there…Still, when we look all over the house for something and can’t find it, we realize with a somewhat sinking heart that “it’s probably in the garage.” But spring has to come sometime, doesn’t it?

It’s been quite a task to unpack, which is usually my favorite part of moving. But this house is much smaller, so there are no vast wastelands of storage. We’ve really simplified our lives out of necessity, and that’s a very good thing. So the process is therapeutic, but it takes some real thinking before anything gets put away. And sometimes more than one try.

One thing I had hoped I would find has been available in great abundance. I mentioned on my Facebook status update this morning that Darryl made pancakes for breakfast. Scott and Kristi have no school today because it snowed pretty hard yesterday. My court day was also canceled, so all four of us were home. In fact, we slept in till nearly 9:00! But anyway, back to the breakfast. Scott said the blessing, and he said, “Please bless us that we will enjoy being together today.” I teased him that God may be a god of miracles, but let’s not ask the impossible from him, but in reality, I almost hugged him because he said something that often rises to the surface in my mother’s brain. While we ate, we joked and laughed, enjoying the yummy pancakes, and generally DID enjoy being together.

Disclaimer here: Kristi was especially stressed last night (before the snow day was announced) because she had an inordinate amount (for a 6th grader) of homework that should have been due today, and she was worried about how she’d get it done. Then the kids’ computer crashed, and she was really frantic. Coming home from a difficult job up in DC, I was a bit stressed, as well, and by the end of our initial encounter, she was in tears, and I was feeling pretty sheepish. Never fear, she didn’t hesitate to come to me and talk about it, and we kissed and made up, promising not to take our stress out on one another. As for Scott, well, if you’ve met Scott, you know that that boy has too much brain in his head to let him stay out of trouble for any long stretches of time. He’s kind of the burr under my saddle much of the time….but I honestly wouldn’t trade him or Kristi for anyone or for any reason.

In recent memory, I’ve bragged about Scott’s art work, beamed with pride over his accomplishments in music, and bragged about both his and Kristi’s intelligence and their obvious thirst for knowledge. Kristi listened jealously a few weeks ago when Scott told us that they had dissected frogs in science. See, she’s only in 6th, he’s in 7th, and SHE wants to be a surgeon when she grows up. Really. Scott’s science teacher, who probably spends a lot of days just shaking her head over his, um, “humor,” was actually pleased to tell me that he had been able to name all the organs of the frog when asked. And he did a pretty good job in the dissection. I can remember a million years ago our science class dissected earth worms, and let’s just say, there’s a REASON why I work with words, not science….:D

(Scott's painting of Niagara Falls)

My visiting teacher came over the other day, and we had a lovely visit (I really love this lady. She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known). She was telling me how much she likes our house, and I looked around my little living room/dining room area and had to agree. It’s warm and friendly and…inviting. And there is no one here who does not agree. It’s been almost two weeks, and I haven’t heard a single word of complaint or disparagement about the new place. Trust me, that’s BIG in my world. Scott’s a little slow in doing the work to put his room together, but Kristi had her little sanctuary unpacked in record time. Each has a room with a queen-sized bed, and they will both eventually have added a personal touch.

(Scott's photo of our new house, after the snow)

Right now we are in the midst of (yet another) crisis. Our Mazda sits in the driveway, undriveable because (we thought) of a blown head gasket. There is now hope that the problem is really something much less expensive. Then on the coldest morning in a long time, our van’s transmission suddenly stopped responding. We actually have to nurse the van through the various gears manually, starting in first, then slowly moving up to drive. It’s scary.

Then we wrote our landlord two checks to cover the rest of the rent for January as well as our deposit. We don’t have any cash from the other house because the landlord summarily changed the locks on the house and didn’t give us a single minute to paint, clean, and repair the house before turning it back over. That’s a story for our lawyer to handle, because, yeah, taking possession of your house and barring your tenant from his/her property (patio furniture, entertainment center, and BBQ, along with miscellaneous other things) is kind of, um, against the law. At any rate, current landlord, whom we really like, received the two checks, one dated for the day I dropped them off and the other dated for this Friday, the 28th. Darryl wrote him an e-mail telling him that we needed him to hold the second check. But when I went to check our account yesterday, I discovered we were overdrawn…in the amount of the second check, which he had deposited along with the first one. So, boo on him for not paying attention, and boo on the bank(s) for not checking the dates….and ::sigh:: on us because we are broke till payday. Again.

And yet…and yet, I can’t believe how UNstressed I feel about this. I’m looking at my husband and falling in love with him more every day. I see my “babies,” who actually look at me back and LIKE me as well as LOVE me. It feels like having gone for your entire adult life with bad brake pads. It’s so bad, makes so much noise, actually groans and even hurts to hit the brakes. In the meantime, you’re not noticing that all the other parts work fine. In fact, the car has a great finish, and the upholstery is really nice. The heater works great. But you’re so fixed on those loud, painful brakes that you don’t even notice all the good things. And then, one day, you FINALLY get those brake pads replaced, and you SEE and HEAR and FEEL all the awesome parts of your car working together. It’s magical. You might even miss the old brake pads because you were awfully careful about how you braked, but that doesn’t keep you from reveling in the joy you feel in your car that works beautifully and blesses you. Every. Single. Day.

I relish each day for the gift I receive. I’m finally ready to start living my life. So it took me 49 years to get started. What can I say? :D