Say, isn't that a Glass House?

 

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”  I know I have heard that somewhere :D

I am very glad to be surrounded by people who are flawed and who make stupid mistakes all the time.  I mean, can you imagine how I’d feel if no one else was messing up but me?  I am also very glad that the Lord has blessed me with a forgiving heart because I just don’t have the time or the energy to hold on to past grievances.  I have seen some mighty efforts in others to retain their sense of outrage and hysteria, and I am so over that.  I mean, c’mon, I’m not in middle school anymore!

Mind you, I definitely get mad or hurt on a regular basis, just like everyone else.  But the embrace of a friend or loved one who has stumbled in the past and caused you pain is probably the sweetest of embraces. The hand of forgiveness that is extended even to someone who has fallen short is the most appreciated.

I am also grateful (extremely!) for the blessing of health insurance and the opportunity to take myself and family members to the doctor for check-ups and the like.  I am now taking some medication to help me with some anxiety and emotional issues, and I can certainly feel the difference.  Darryl is, as well, and I keep thinking, “What if we had just had it with one another and had turned our backs on each other because of grievances real or imagined?”  We would be missing the sweet contentment we share.

So that leads me to the reminder that I am very grateful for the wonderful man I married just over 16 years ago.  I used to think that I could never be with anyone who wasn’t, well, perfect.  Guess what?  I’m relieved to be with someone who ISN’T perfect. 

Our life has taken some interesting curves in the past four months.  I would not want to relive any of the time before then.  And I’ve learned that, despite losing some of the aspects of our daily lives that we actually liked, we are not just humming along, we’re actually thriving.

We did have a very sad event the other day.  My sweet kitty Salem was snuggling up to Darryl Sunday morning, and then he went into the kitchen to get a drink from the water dish.  In other words, after a night of fighting me for pillow domination, he was acting perfectly normal.  And then when I went into the kitchen to let Sadie in, I realized he was just lying on the floor and not even flinching when Sadie stuck her nose in his face.  He had just dropped dead.  I’ll bet he was even more surprised than we were!

On the brighter side, Darryl was able to get to Washington yesterday, where he picked up Lindsay and her husband Jake and moved them here with us.  They are now occupying our guest room.  We’re eager to help them get on their feet and eventually be ready to start life on their own in their “own” place.

And that is exactly what I want from my life:  To be in a position to be able to help our kids who need an extra hand.  Heaven knows we have needed help from time to time, and we will never stop feeling gratitude to those who have been there for us.

And the reason for the beginning of this post is learning (again) that some people I love spend a LOT of time discussing and passing judgment on people they should love rather than just loving…forgiving…and supporting those loved ones.  But at least they are perfect, right? ;D

Eternal Life - Life in God's Way and in God's Time

I just read my last blog entry and find it hard to believe how much can change in a relatively short period of time. Since then, not only did Aaron return to school, but he successfully graduated and is currently looking for work. He’s at home again, but things are peaceful, at least for now. We were able to keep our car hanging on until we had the money to replace it. Seriously, literally the day the car died, we were in the process of buying another one, so that drama is part of our past. And money, well, guess what? Our landlord declared bankruptcy, and we haven’t paid rent since January, which has made a huge difference. My work has also picked up, so we are feeling very blessed. Coincidence? I think not :D

Now I’m in Washington for my daughter’s wedding/sealing on Friday. Very expensive but very worthwhile venture. Oh, so many feelings. We have been anxiously preparing for this week so that we could participate. And here we are. Well, here *I* are…I mean am. Darryl will be here in a few days. He’s snatching the opportunity to spend time with his family in Utah before coming here to be swept up in the drama of my family. I’m so glad he’s getting the chance to do this. I know that his heart is with his parents, his kids, and grandbabies, and it is a balm to the soul to see them. Or so I hear. I haven’t had that balm yet, but one day I will. I mean, I am sure that I would be welcomed around Darryl’s grandbabies, but I haven’t yet had the chance to do so because I was sick for a few hours the only time any of them were around, so I hid in a bedroom to keep from sharing. And my grandbabies, well….

As 2011 drew to a close, my heart, ever drawing closer to my Heavenly Father, yearned to return to His temple to partake of the Spirit there. It seems ludicrous now to realize that while I was the most distraught, I didn’t seek that place and that amazing Spirit, but that’s how it worked out. And just as any precious prize, I feared that it would somehow be withheld. But that’s not how it happened. The compassion and love of my priesthood leaders were waiting for me to be ready, and ready I was. And am.

Friday was a bit of a nightmare, as I had expected, although I am pleased to say that I suffered it all with good grace. 19+ years as a court reporter has taught me that helpful skill. Most of the day was spent in a flying tin can, filled to capacity, hungry and tired. But when I landed in Pasco, Washington, I was soon reunited with my daughter who is getting married this coming Friday.

She’s not the same person I knew. I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half, and our parting was heart rending. Now she’s a young lady who has found love, who feels supported and loved by that love. Much has happened to each of us in the intervening months, and her sneaking up behind me in the airport and putting her arms around me soothed my heart more than she probably knows. I have finally come to understand…or maybe I’m still learning it and haven’t completely fathomed it…what it really means to be an Eternal Family.

I have a friend who has a large family of children, each of whom has followed the hoped-for path of going on to church-owned universities, missions, and temple marriage. I know more about her life to realize that, of course, her life is not perfect and contains many sad and/or fearful moments, but how I have envied her the path her children have chosen. Some of mine have chosen more scenic routes. Some have chosen the path I’d hoped but chose not to take me along. Some are still wandering.

But yesterday I truly glimpsed it, that Eternal Family thingy. I watched a daughter receive her own endowments, with my mother sitting on her other side, three generations of one family united for those few hours in a holy sacrament. I am sure that both my dad and my daughter’s dad were seated nearby watching and rejoicing in that experience with us.

When we initially entered the temple yesterday, I walked about five feet in, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the Spirit, stronger than I have felt in a long time. I fully expected to see it, as well. And I realize that that’s what it’s supposed to be…and one day WILL be like. Holy and sacred bonds are formed within those walls, and Heavenly Father is most certainly not an absentee Father.

As I told my bishop the other day, as he interviewed me before I received my temple recommend, I don’t know that my entire family will ever be united again in THIS life, but I have faith that it will be at least in the next. I’m trying to teach those who will listen how important it is to love and forgive and forgive and forgive and love, especially those who hurt us or abuse us or annoy us. It is important to see these people with an Eternal perspective, to see them as the Heavenly beings they once were and one day will be again. Yes, even those for whom that picture is most obscured.

Every day I try to get better at something, be a little more patient, a little more kind, a little more empathetic, and I am beginning to feel a swelling in my soul that seems to make those efforts even easier and more desirable.

I know these things are true. I feel as though I have been given a very special gift to see things very clearly, and I am going to keep my eyes…and heart…open so I don’t miss a thing!

Seeing Every Dimension in our 3-D World

Last year we studied the Old Testament in Sunday School. Sometime mid-year we discussed David over several weeks. What an amazing, multi-faceted (and multi-talented) person. It is clear from reading the Psalms that he was a passionate person with the gift of expressing himself beautifully (think of Isaiah…Neal A. Maxwell…)

Because of some changes in our ward over the past several months, I found myself at different times during the year teaching several different classes. Right now I am teaching the oldest kids, which I started doing in the early part of December. What great kids they are. They are smart and really interested in what we are studying. But then we got to a review week. We talked briefly about several things that had been discussed over the course of the year. One of the names that was mentioned was David. And I was dismayed when I discovered that these students could only remember David’s falling into sin. It was a great fall, and it was a grave sin, no doubt about that. But it was troubling to me that no one mentioned any of the marvelous things he had done in his life before AND after he sinned. It seemed as though his sin, in those students’ minds, erased forever all the good parts of David and reduced him to the moment when he clearly made one of the worst (most stupid) decisions in his life.

Think back to a day when you did something really stupid. Something that went against all you ever were in your life. Something that, perhaps, changed the entire course of your life. I’ll be more personal here. I grew up as a pensive little girl who always knew I was somehow “different” from the other members of my family. I have a hunch that I might have had ADHD or something like that. Regardless of what it was, I struggled with debilitating headaches and the melancholy that often accompanies them. I never felt like I was good enough. Ever. Despite that, I lived the most moral life I could. I didn’t cheat, I tried very hard not to lie, I tried to be nice to other people. I never drank or smoked or did drugs.

I had a bit of a reputation for being pretty “straight,” as we called it back then. And I was judgmental. I remember going to a football game at my high school. I imagine it was Homecoming the year I was in college. I was sitting with my boyfriend of about five months. He had been my best friend even longer than that. He got up to go to the concession stand and returned with a soda. I asked him what it was. He said it was a Coke. I have no idea why, but I was appalled. I called him…shudder…a “fool.” (The whole Coke = bad for Mormons thing.) He most likely forgot about this years ago, but it has haunted me for 32 years.

I saw in my future a day when I would be worthy to be married in the temple to a wonderful returned missionary. We would have five or six awesome kids. I would learn to be a great homemaker, and I would bring joy to my loved ones as I served them. I really saw this as my future. And I knew that my children would always be awesome because my future husband and I would raise them "right."

I know Heavenly Father would never cause us to sin, but I absolutely believe that one of the very important reasons he gave us Agency is to ALLOW us to sin, because through sin we learn our most important lessons. When I was 19, I had the most unexpected fall from grace, and I still can’t explain it. It was my fault. No one forced me, but it was really stupid. Because of that, one of my favorite shows of all time is “Quantum Leap,” because I know exactly to which moment I would want to go back to “fix” my life and get it back on the track that I felt I was supposed to follow.

Ah, but then I think, would I like the person I became had I not taken that huge stumble? See, while it was a huge blow to my self-esteem (which had always been very low), discovering that I could…and would…sin opened me up to a place where I could take that judgmental part of me and lay it aside. The scales had fallen from my eyes, and I saw others more like they would want to be seen. later, as I heard stories of young couples “having” to get married, I listened to my peers gossip about how disgusted they were by those young couples, but I would see something different. I would see young people who had been human but who had subsequently taken up the reins of responsibility and made a choice that would bless lives. I saw young people who had a battle ahead of them as they tried to become worthy again to attend the temple.

We had a long talk with one of our children last night about Agency. I talked about how much I dislike the coupling of that word with the word “free,” because there really is no such thing as Free Agency. Now, there is Agency that allows us the freedom to choose for ourselves in all things, but we are NOT free of the consequences of those choices, good or bad. And then there’s the fact that sometimes we suffer the consequences, good or bad, of OTHER people’s freely chosen decisions. Doesn’t seem fair, but there it is.

I have certainly not lived a blameless life. But in the 30 years since I fell down, I picked myself up, dusted myself off…time and time again as I slipped up here or slipped up there….and planted my feet back on the path that I felt was the right path…the moral path. I even made the same grievous error again, but under completely different circumstances. But I have always tried to be kind, to NOT be judgmental, to give others the benefit of a doubt. Sometimes that kicks me in the teeth. Heck, even literally, in fact.

Most of all I remain humble, recognizing in myself the weakness of human failings. But it is a struggle not to ask “why me?” “How long do I have to be punished for my sins?” But stepping back a little, I recognize that it is not the Lord “punishing” me. In some cases I still feel the consequences of my actions, and in other cases, especially long after I have repented and been forgiven, I recognize that the consequences I feel are those resulting from someone else’s choice to judge ME.

Another person in my family confided in me the other day that efforts had been made, strenuously, to draw this person into the web of hate and lies that has collapsed my life. The argument? Because of my sin when I was 19 years old. That sin for which I had taken responsibility, repented, and absolutely been forgiven by the Lord and by anyone whose RIGHT it was to forgive me. Lapses in judgment in various areas of my life since then are liberally interspersed with religious (hahaha, get it?) efforts to live the life that I know is right. You know, like a normal person's life.

I know I am a good person. A good HUMAN person. My sins are between me and my Father in Heaven. And when they need outside intervention, they are between me and my Father in Heaven and my bishop. They are no one else’s business. I’m smart enough to know when it IS someone else’s business, and then I take it up with that person or persons.

I love deeply. I like deeply. I care about how others feel. I weigh every word I say, trying not to judge or hurt. When I get angry and speak out of turn, it hurts in my gut, and I can’t sleep until I’ve asked forgiveness of the poor victim. Anyone who really knows me knows that it is so important to me that others like me. And now I see that at the very heart of my most hurtful life experience has been “loved” ones who see me arrested in time at some of the worst moments of my life. One person who will not be named actually told me that she couldn't understand why my first husband didn't hit me sooner because she didn't like the way I talked to her. I could live my life as though I were Mother Teresa, and it would be all for naught. If it were strangers who felt this way about me or just people I know in my world, I could certainly live with that. But it is the very people who should love me and who won’t rest till all of my family turns against me that torture my every waking moment with their judgment and opinion.

The irony of WHAT these people find so heinous in my life, considering mistakes in their own lives, would be humorous if it were happening in a TV show. But because I have always held out a hand to my friends and family despite their own stumbles, even the ones that were actually AGAINST me, this cuts me to the very core.

Ask yourself this question: Are you without sin? Have you lived a life free of hurting others? Have you passed through your life so far without shooting yourself in the foot, thus hampering your own progress along the path you felt was the right one? Regardless of your answer, ask yourself another question. Whose right is it to forever hold those things against you? That’s right….NO ONE. Because even God won’t forever hold against you the things for which you repent. And NOT forgiving is the greater sin.

And let’s take it a step further. Ask yourself: Against whom do you hold a grudge? Why? Is it right for you to hold that grudge? Even further, do you hold a grudge over something that is simply none of your business but is personal for another person altogether? And then, who suffers from your grudge, really?

Please do what I plan to do even more than I have tried to do my whole life….forgive others. You may not think they deserve it. But you don’t have the right to think that. We all deserve to be forgiven. And when we hurt because we ourselves have sinned, how much is it worth to have someone else compassionately hold out a hand just to let us know that our pain is understood, and we will find love, not judgment?

I have many friends and acquaintances whose lifestyles differ greatly from mine. Some of them have been raised to believe the things I believe, and others have not. Regardless, it would be the greatest hypocrisy for me to turn my back on ANYone simply for the fact that their choices would not be my choices.

My husband and I have been married nearly 14 years. It's been tumultuous, but I feel we have grown closer and stronger as we have struggled through our trials. We have done and said things that have hurt each other, and we would only be harming ourselves if we didn't let those things go and truly forget. Of course, after this debacle in my life, I actually gave him leave this morning to just walk away. I realized that my life would most likely have reached this place regardless of who was walking by my side, but he sure doesn't deserve to be dragged through it with me. And you know what he did? He just smiled. And hugged me. I sure love that guy :D

Thank you for reading these words that are very cathartic to me. I continue my journey, and I recognize the truth of what my patriarchal blessing very clearly stated back when I was only 16 years old: “…it is in your nature to be obedient and keep the laws of God. There will be times when it will be difficult, for there will be temptation and trials…you have received even in your early years a testimony by the Spirit that the Gospel of Jesus of Christ is true. That testimony will carry you through all of the difficult times and trials that will come into your life.” Amen.

Let us not just believe IN Christ. Let us also BELIEVE Christ. His Atonement opened for us the opportunity to repent. Let us believe that for ourselves and, just as importantly, for others. And while we’re at it, let’s make sure we all have a good supply of Windex on hand to keep our “windows” clean so we can see each other the way we should.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:10)